christmas

Surprise everyone! Yes, i'm blogging :) In a hotel in Copenhagen, Denmark. Really thankful and blessed to stay at a nice comfy hotel at a reasonable price on christmas eve. Plus internet somemore!
Holiday has been rushing ard quite a bit so it's nice just to have a quiet and relaxing evening. Mom's asleep now, so it's nice and quiet. heh. Watched some tv, in english! surfed the net, and listened to a sermon cd. Was encouraged, nourished by God's Word. Been feeling spiritually dry cos havent been spending much time alone with Him, in Word and prayer. Was reminded by Eeling's blog: that if i'm hungry i should feed myself. We don't need to be reminded to eat when we are hungry physically, but i often forget to feed on God's word when i'm spiritually hungry.

I found an international christian community here in Copenhagen and they are having a christmas service in english tmr morning and it's near where we are staying! Persuaded my mom to go for it, it'll be nice to worship God with fellow believers on christmas day :)
My 2nd christmas away from home. Last year was in Amsterdam, Netherlands. This year will be half in Copenhagen, and the other on the train to Stockholm, Sweden...

When i think of the different things people will be doing on christmas day, some people will have much to eat, some little, some none. some will be warm, some will spend it outside in the freezing cold. some will know the true meaning of christmas, some don't.

Read an article on "The Straits Times Interactive", really touching. Do read it.
Merry Christmas all. i remember and thank God for each of you, and i look forward to seeing you all sometime.... Love, Pam
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Saved for a purpose
Unable to bear the loss of their three children, the couple planned to take their own lives. But Mrs Karibeeran Paramesvaran wanted one more night of prayer...

HIS was a simple daily prayer: 'Protect my children, O Lord. Keep them safe and happy.'
Every morning, Mr Karibeeran Paramesvaran would whisper this prayer into the ears of each of his three children.

But on the morning of Dec 26 last year, his 41st birthday, his children beat him to the ritual.
As he lay asleep, they burst into the room to greet him. 'It's our turn to pray for you, Daddy,' his nine-year-old daughter Karunya told him. 'May God grant you many many more birthdays.'
His first-born, chubby-cheeked Rakshanya, 11, stood right behind her sister, bearing a glass of his favourite drink, Boost, an Indian version of Milo, which she had prepared herself.
The youngest, son Kirubasan, five, smothered him with big bear hugs.
In the happy melee that ensued, Mr Paramesvaran forgot to repeat his daily prayer for his children - a slip that he now finds loaded with irony.

Within hours, all three of his children would be dead, as would 10 relatives visiting from neighbouring Karnataka state to celebrate Christmas.
'They had never been to a beach, so I took them for what would be their first glimpse of the sea,' the soft-spoken man from Nagapattinam told The Straits Times.
It would also be their last. Without warning, giant waves crashed onto the soft brown sands of the quiet seaside town, taking in their angry grasp scores of helpless lives.
The burly technician with the Indian government-owned Oil and Natural Gas Commission escaped by clinging on to a tree.

The next three days proved to be the worst of his life. As he searched the ravaged beaches of Nagapattinam, ground zero of mainland India's tsunami tragedy, he found the bodies of all his three children, whom he proceeded to bury with his own hands.
'My wife and I spent so many years working hard earning money for the kids,' said Mr Paramesvaran, whose 45,000 rupees (S$1,730) monthly household income made him one of Nagapattinam's better-off residents.
'But in the end, we could not even spend 5 rupees to buy flowers for them.'

Unable to bear the loss, the couple decided they would commit suicide.
But his wife, Madam P. Choodamani, 37, wanted one more night to pray.
'I chided her, saying, 'Where was your Lord when our children lay dying?' ' said Mr Paramesvaran, who had converted to Christianity at the age of 18.

A day later, the dark-eyed, matronly woman emerged, a new confidence shining in her eyes. She declared that as she was praying, she heard a voice telling her that they had been saved for a purpose.

Unconvinced, her husband decided to lock himself in a room and have his own 'fight with God'.
'I wanted to know what sins we had committed to deserve such a fate,' he said, his eyes resting on a giant photograph of the three 'bright stars' they had loved and lost.
As he knelt in their little prayer room to read the Bible, he too found an answer.

'God saved us for a purpose - to work through us to give confidence to those who have lost the confidence to live,' he said.

Since that day, he has been criss-crossing India's tsunami-struck southern coast, taking two weeks unpaid leave every month in order to share his tale with other survivors.
To date, he has travelled more than 2,000km, visiting numerous camps for displaced people.
District collector J. Radhakrishnan, the highest-ranking government official in Nagapattinam, believes Mr Paramesvaran's efforts have been invaluable in helping put devastated communities firmly back on the path of rehabilitation.
When most survivors were reeling with grief from having lost family members, Mr Paramesvaran, who had lost much more, was already helping to clear debris and recover bodies.

'His actions speak as much as his words,' said Dr Radhakrishnan. 'He clearly did not believe in weeping around the bodies.'
Mr Paramesvaran was also among the first to return to live next to the sea, when most were still cowering in fear.

There have also been times when he succeeded in counselling survivors where professional counsellors had failed, pointed out social worker Annie George. She heads Nagapattinam's NGO Coordination and Resource Centre, set up with the help of the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP).

'Usually, trauma survivors are more open to listening to the stories of fellow survivors, rather than to professional psychiatrists,' said Ms George. 'Perhaps they empathise more.'
Fisherman P. Sivashankar is one survivor Mr Paramesvaran helped counsel. The 35-year-old was on the brink of madness when the sea took away his wife. 'He told me not to think about the past, but to focus on the future,' said Mr Sivashankar.

The advice worked: a year on, the father of three has remarried and life appears normal again.
In their own efforts to focus on the future, Mr Paramesvaran and his wife have decided to care for 16 children who lost either one or both parents in the tsunami.
The children, aged between two and 14, live with the couple in their home and have even begun calling them Amma and Appa, Tamil for Mum and Dad.
And as he once did with his own three children, Mr Paramesvaran has resumed his familiar family rituals.

The morning prayers, for instance, are back. 'Protect my children, O Lord. Keep them safe and happy,' he chants every morning.
Only now, there are 16 young ones in his family.

random holiday photos.... thus far. Enjoy :)

mountain railway in bergen, norway
snow-covered car in oslo!

vibrant city of copenhagen.... i couldn't find Anderson's of Demark here tho
mom and me touring the fjords in bergen, norway.... it's coolddd there...

carnival in copenhagen... lots of lights, rides, christmas shops... weather's not too good here though.
snowing in oslo!!!
beautiful scenery in bergen, norway...

a final word of encouragment ;)

He Loved Me

God chose us to be His very own before the creation of the world. “He decided then to make us holy in His eyes, without a single fault—we who stand before Him covered with His love. His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into His own family by sending Jesus Christ to die for us. And He did this because He wanted to!” Ephesians 1:4-5, TLB

He chose me before the world was known
He chose me to be his very own.
He made me, then let me choose my way.
I chose to move away.

He loved me when hope had taken wing.
He loved me when I lost every thing.
He bought me; redemptions work was done through Jesus Christ, His Son.

Who shall separate me from the love of God?
Shall dreams of tomorrow, pain, or sorrow? C
an the need of food or earthly possessions,
The threat of war or man’s oppression?
In all these things vict’ry is our reward;
Vict’ry is our reward through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Of this I am sure, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,
Nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come.
Not height, nor depth, nor any creature
Shall separate me from the love of God.
Through Jesus Christ, our Lord

And all God's people say...
AMEN!

final entry for the year 2005

It's the end of term and coming to the end of the year as well... seems not too long ago i was just at the edge of 2005 and now i'm at the edge of 2006.
well, this year, i'll be spending my 2nd christmas away from home, and it's gonna be somewhere in scandinavia! dont know exactly where yet but all i know its gonna be cold, dark and cold. heh.
i do hope to see the infamous northern lights near the north pole, as well as go skiing again perhaps... will post photos when i'm back which will be next year!

It has been a good year. God has been good and faithful. i've learnt and grown much. But still have lots of room for improvement.

Hope you have a good christmas and new year my friends - be it in france, taiwan, notts, singapore, etc. Home is where you heart is :)
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer... someone's thinking of you and loving you tonight...

For my dear readers, till next year.

hugs,
pam

on christmas presents and cards

it's not even christmas yet and i've received a few christmas cards already... some from ple i dont really know very well, appreciate the thought, but it's more meaningful to get those with more stuff written on them, other than 'merry christmas and a happy new year'... and i have received some encouraging and touching ones :)

i've also got my first christmas present this year... i really wasn't expecting any, not cos i think my friends wont give or what, but i just didnt expect any in general... felt presents weren't a necessary part of christmas. at least what really matters.

But i was really happy to receive my first christmas gift today. thanks huifen :) Really really appreciate it. But to me, it's the thought that really counts, not the present itself.

But the greatest gift i can receive is from God, who gave His one and only begotten Son Jesus Christ, whom in turn, gave His life for me, and from which, i receive the gift of forgiveness, salvation, peace, hope and so much more! Thank You Jesus :)

my new scarf and christmas hat :)

on Christmas (final part...)

Dear friends,

Most of the gifts that people give each other at Christmas don't last very long.
But there is a Christmas gift that has lasting value. And that gift is Jesus. At Christmas Christians celebrate the gift which God gave to the world—Jesus Christ - the saviour of the world. It's a wonderful gift. On top of that: it’s free! That’s why it is called a gift. If you haven't received this gift yet, I'd like to invite you to look at, to unwrap it this Christmas. Seize the opportunity to explore the greatest gift a human being can get.

If you want to know about that gift go to one of the Christmas services or ask one of your Christian friends about it Have a look at the gift that God wants to give to you.
Have a look at Jesus. wish you all a very happy Christmas.

- Rev. Thorsten Prill

on Christmas (part 2)

Actually, that’s not really the point of Christmas. Christmas is about something else.
Christmas is about someone else. The Bible tells us about the true meaning of Christmas.

2000 years ago an angle, a messenger from God came down from heaven. And this messenger said to the people: “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy. It is for all people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you. He is Christ the Lord.”At Christmas, Christians celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ. They celebrate that Jesus was born over 2000 years ago. And actually we have good reasons to celebrate this birthday.

'Do not be afraid’, said the angle. There is no reason to be afraid. God does not want us to be afraid of him. Because the God, Christians believe in, is the God of love. He loves us, he loves you and me. And he has something very special for us.

'I bring you good news of great joy. It is for all people.’ said the messenger of God.
God has good news for us. He has good news for us whether we are from England, Germany, China or elsewhere. God’s good news is for all people. Whether you are rich or poor, whether you are married or single, whether you are clever or not so clever. God has a very special gift for you. Now, what is this gift?

'Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you. He is Christ the Lord.’, said the messenger. God’s gift for you is his son, Jesus Christ. The saviour of the world.God loved the world so much that he sent his son Jesus into this world. In Jesus God himself came into our world. God became a human being. God visited our planet earth. God came and he showed us what He is like: a God of love, a God of forgiveness, a God we can know personally, a God we can know as our friend.

Let me tell you a story:

On the 15th of February 1921, there was a doctor who performed an appendectomy. That's an operation where you appendix is removed. The doctor performing the operation was Dr. Evan Kane. In his 37-year medical career Dr Kane had performed nearly 4,000 such operations. So this one was not at all unusual - except for two things.

First of all, this was the first time that local anaesthesia had ever been used in major surgery. Dr. Kane believed that local anaesthesia was safer than putting a patient completely to sleep. Most of his colleagues agreed with him in principle, but they wanted to see first if it would actually work. So Dr. Kane searched for a volunteer, a patient who would be willing to undergo surgery while under local anaesthesia. It was difficult to find one. People didn't like the thought of being awake during their own operation. Others were fearful that the anaesthesia might wear off too soon. Finally, Dr. Kane found a volunteer. And on Tuesday morning, February 15th, the operation began. The patient was wheeled into the operating room. A local anaesthetic was applied. And as Dr. Kane had done thousands of times before, he cut open the tissues and removed the appendix. The patient had only minor discomfort and recovered quickly. He was dismissed from the hospital two days later. Dr. Kane had proven his theory. Thanks to the willingness of a brave volunteer, Dr. Kane demonstrated that local anaesthesia was an alternative, even a preferred alternative.

But I said there were two facts that made this surgery unusual. I've told you the first: the use of local anaesthesia. The second unusual thing was the patient -- the patient was Dr. Kane. You see, in order to prove his point, Dr. Kane operated on himself. The doctor became a patient in order to convince the patients to trust the doctor.

Dear friends,
Our immediate reaction to a story like that is to say, "It's difficult to believe." Maybe it is.
But the true story of a doctor who became a patient is nothing compared to the true story of the God who became human. But Jesus Christ did. Jesus, the Son of God, became human. Jesus became one of us. Jesus placed himself in our position. He experienced all the things that you experience in your lives: Jesus knows what it means to be lonely. Jesus knows what it means to face difficult decisions. He knows what it means to be let down by good friends. He knows what it means to be frightened. He experienced all the things that we experience in our lives: disappointment, loneliness, rejection, pain, suffering. Jesus did this so that you and I would believe that God knows our struggles, our pains. He voluntarily became one of us to show us that we could trust God.

You see, the God Christians believe in, is not some unknown, distant God. The God Christians believe in is a God who knows what it means to be a human being. During his life on earth Jesus went through all the things that we go through. The only difference is: he lived a live that was perfect. In contrast to you and me Jesus had that perfect relationship with God the Father. In contrast to you and me He didn't do any bad things.

And at the end of his time here on earth this Jesus died on a cross. That was the final goal of his earthly mission. Jesus died to forgive us that we ignore God, that we keep him out of our lives, that we don't listen to him. He died for the forgiveness of all the bad things, the wrong things that we have done. Bad things, wrong things require punishment. Jesus took that punishment for you and me.

The Bible says: “The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” (Romans 6:23). Jesus died on a cross but three days later he rose from death. He was made alive again and now lives forever to bring you to God. Jesus died and rose from death so that you could know God personally. Jesus died and rose from death to give you a new life, a life with real purpose, a life of hope and real joy, a life that will last forever, a life beyond death.

[To be continued.... continue to stay tuned for the final part of the christmas message]

on Christmas (part 1)

Here's an excerpt about Christmas from a german lutheran pastor. Enjoy:

What is the point of Christmas? What is Christmas all about?

For many people Christmas is a time of giving.
It's all about buying Christmas Presents for their families and friends. People buy presents that people don’t want or need. We sometimes buy things for people we do not even like. Someone once said: ‘At Christmas we spend money we don’t have for people we don’t like on presents they don’t need.’

When you come to this county as a foreigner, like myself, you can easily get the impression that Christmas is about sending Christmas Cards. At Christmas British people send millions of these cards to one another. The more cards you get the more popular you are. And finally when you’ve got all your cards together, you hang up a cord in your living room and you put all your cards on it. Now tell me: Aren't they strange people, these Brits?

Having said that I must admit: we Germans are strange people too. For Germans, as for many British people, Christmas is hardly complete without a Christmas tree. We buy a Christmas Tree, put it into a plastic bucket, fill it with soil, and struggle to get the tree to stand upright.And finally we put candles and small coloured balls on it. We put a lot of effort into this tree. But once Christmas is over we throw the tree away. Strange people these Germans.

Another popular thing at this time of the year are Christmas Parties. People come together, wearing strange hats, drink a lot and think that’s funny. At these parties people often have Christmas Crackers. And inside these crackers you can find Christmas jokes which don't make you laugh at all. For most people Christmas is a time of eating. In this country it’s Christmas Turkey and Christmas Pudding.

But there are also some people who don’t like Christmas at all. And so they decide to leave this cold and rainy island. They go to places like Spain or Africa to enjoy the sunshine. For them Christmas Holiday it the most important thing.

Now you know what Christmas is all about: It's about spending money, buying presents and Christmas trees. It's about eating, drinking and going on holiday.

[To be continued.... Stay tuned]

"reason for the season" christmas concert

Christmas concert went well and smoothly today by God's grace. All glory and praise to God in the Highest! It's amazing how He brought so many people that we didn't have enough tables and chairs for everyone! but thank God there was more than enough food!
But best of all, some people responded to the message of the gospel :) It's so easy to judge how well the concert went by human standards, by how well we performed and even how many people came...
well, it's the end of one thing but the start to another. it's a continuous and narrow road i'd say... but one that is worthwhile walking.
Will post some concert pics once i get them :)

friday night thoughts...

What do you know, it's almost the end of a school term. One more week before term breaks for winter. Passed by so fast. But it's time for a break i guess. People and some friends around me will be flying back home for christmas. Once again, i won't be going home... My mom's flying over and we're going travelling for 2 weeks in Scandinavia (for those who don't know where that is, it's way up north where it's very very cold...) Was dreading it initially cos of the cold and the really short hours of daylight. But i guess it wont be so bad... it'll be another adventure with my mom i guess. heh.
There are times i do miss home, and wish i could go back home as well. but it's all in good time i guess. i'll prob feel quite displaced if i go back too.

There's gonna be a christian christmas concert tmr night. i'll be acting in it. I sang in the choir last year. Quite exciting. Please pray for it, for the people who will be coming, that they would know the true reason for the season and experience God's love in their lives.

Well, wishing to all a blessed and meaningful christmas no matter where you are i hope it'll be a season of joy and love :)

Me and fellow choir members in the christmas concert last december

on baptism

Today was Baptismal service in church.

Loads of people were there to witness 7 people get baptised into God's family - 1 malaysian, 1 Hong Konger, 2 mainland Chinese and 3 British.

Was really a happy and joyous ocassion.

Reminded me of my own baptism last year.

Strangely i didn't feel as excited or happy when i was being baptized as compared to seeing others being baptized.

Perhaps i was too nervous, or everything just happened so fast that everything was too surreal for me, perhaps also because i've been a Christian since i was about 13 (i can't exactly remember when i accepted Jesus into my life, but all i can say it's been one long, tough but fulfilling and greatest journey anyone can take).

I always thought baptism was not necessary - a ritual christians had to all go through sometime or other in their lives, so i didn't sense the urgency to be baptized even after being a Christian for so long. But God convicted me of my disobedience, and hence i decided to get baptized before i came over to UK for my studies.I'm glad i made that decision. better late than never i'd say! but of course, earlier would be the best.

For the those who don't know, baptism is sort of an act of commitment/ dedication to God, as well as a proclamation of faith. i'd like to see it as a marriage ceremony (between yourself and God), something which the couple's love is not dependent on, but it is still nevertheless crucial in their union. To act of being immersed in water and then coming back up again (duh. heh.) is to symbolize the death/washing away of your old self/ways and sins as well as identifying with Jesus' death, and the coming back up again is to symbolize having a new life in Christ and being a new creation.Yup, and so here's me being baptized on 27th June 2004 :)

A joyous moment :)

Saying 'I do....'

It is finished!

friends :)

oooh... the new-found joy of posting photos... :) Enjoy!

Fengie and me :)

The cutest and sweetest couple i know!

My send-off party 2005 :)

My lovely flatmates... and Pooh!

Fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ!

in the stillness and busyness He is there...

To where you are

Who can say for certain

Maybe you're still here

I feel you all around me

Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

Your still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me

Everyday

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe

That angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile

To know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are
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YAY! =) I finally found how to post pics on my blog! I tried last time but couldn't so gave up. Then i saw this really nice pic on a friend's blog and decided to try again.

Thanks Yvonne. It's always an inspiration to read your blog :) And i love the song playing on your blog as well. I hope you don't mind my 'koping' the lyrics off your blog ;) heh.

For those who are weary and carry heavy burdens...

All Who Are Thirsty - by Kutless

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep we sing

Come Lord Jesus come
Come Lord Jesus come
Come Lord Jesus come

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"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

...

weekend's ended.... phew. kinda glad it's over, strangely. Feeling quite tired from all the activity recently. Not that i don't enjoy the stuff i'm doing, but i really need some time-out.
Been neglecting those dear to my heart, and it hurts me so. i'm sorry...
Lord, pls teach me what to do, how to spend my time wisely.

hope you all had a good weekend. take care and have a blessed week ahead my friends. i do miss many of you so.

heyho

hi all,

it's been a tiring week, struggling to stay awake in classes, i'm starting to drink coffee every day! heh. to think i never used to like coffee. Compromised my time with God a bit this week as well =/ Nottingham games this weekend (when singaporeans from all over UK come to Notts to compete in various sports and games) I'm playing tennis again, weather's bee hovering ard zero degrees celsius the past few weeks. hope i don't turn to an icicle. heh. A friend from York is coming down to stay at my place for 2 nights also, my first 'guest'! heh. prob bring her ard... then hall reunion dinner on sunday. busy weekend ahead. pls pray for strength for me. thanks... take care and have a good weekend ahead too my friends. Till next time...

Here's a daily devotional taken from "My Utmost for His Highest". kinda applies to me recently...

Direction of Focus

Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters . . . , so our eyes look to the Lord our God . . . —Psalm 123:2

This verse is a description of total reliance on God. Just as the eyes of a servant are riveted on his master, our eyes should be directed to and focused on God. This is how knowledge of His countenance is gained and how God reveals Himself to us (see Isaiah 53:1 ). Our spiritual strength begins to be drained when we stop lifting our eyes to Him. Our stamina is sapped, not so much through external troubles surrounding us but through problems in our thinking. We wrongfully think, "I suppose I’ve been stretching myself a little too much, standing too tall and trying to look like God instead of being an ordinary humble person." We have to realize that no effort can be too high.
For example, you came to a crisis in your life, took a stand for God, and even had the witness of the Spirit as a confirmation that what you did was right. But now, maybe weeks or years have gone by, and you are slowly coming to the conclusion— "Well, maybe what I did showed too much pride or was superficial. Was I taking a stand a bit too high for me?" Your "rational" friends come and say, "Don’t be silly. We knew when you first talked about this spiritual awakening that it was a passing impulse, that you couldn’t hold up under the strain. And anyway, God doesn’t expect you to endure." You respond by saying, "Well, I suppose I was expecting too much." That sounds humble to say, but it means that your reliance on God is gone, and you are now relying on worldly opinion. The danger comes when, no longer relying on God, you neglect to focus your eyes on Him. Only when God brings you to a sudden stop will you realize that you have been the loser. Whenever there is a spiritual drain in your life, correct it immediately. Realize that something has been coming between you and God, and change or remove it at once.

late night thoughts

Words that You say - by Something Like Silas

FH: i take back what i said about the CD, the more i listen to it, the more i'm growing attached to some of the songs :) Here's just one of them, have been listening to it almost everyday, kinda expresses the longings of my heart for the past week or so. Enjoy....

Speak in this close communion
Though this hour seems timeless still
I wait for your words that bid me come

Breathe in me, Holy Spirit
The will when my tomorrow comes
To follow when this song is gone

So I await the words that you say
I open my life
I am longing just to hear these words
That you say, that you say

Shape me with words of wisdom
Free my torn heart from this world
Renew my mind and form my will

Teach me to wholly offer
More than words that I can sing
So I become the song I bring

So I await the words that you say
I open my life
I am longing just to hear these words
That you say, that you say

Speak in this close communion
Though this hour seems timeless still
I wait for your words that bid me come

Breathe in me, Holy Spirit
The will when my tomorrow comes
To follow when this song is gone

So I await the words that you say
I open my life
I am longing just to hear these words
That you say, that you say

So I await the words that you say
I open my life
I am longing just to hear these words
That you say, that you say

Can I be an instrument of praise
And here pursue your heart
So my life will tell of who you are

Can I be a channel of your love
A reflection of your light
And live to bring you praise and serve you, Lord

So I await the words that you say
I open my life
I am longing just to hear these words
That you say, that you say

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how does one listen to God? Yes, the sheep know the Shepard's voice... hmm, i think i'm a sheep with bad hearing =/ He needs to yell at me to get my attention. Like now.
I need to be still, and know that He is God.

an Encounter with God

God is so so good. He never disappoints, and indeed He gives us more than we ask or ever imagine.
Was refreshed and touched by Him this weekend, and more importantly He spoke right into my heart and reached down where no one else can. Was reminded of His love and brought back to the foot of the cross.

His presence and love was so real and tangible. it's not that God turns up only at christian camps and reveals Himself. But so much prayer went into this, and God really wanted to meet His people in this camp. And minus all the usual distractions of the world, it was easier to seek and focus on Him. But that doesnt mean we can't experience His presence right where we are - be it right in our own room whatsoever.

Someone said, this camp is for messed up people. heh. This prob applies to 99% of everyone. But yeah, it is here we confront our deepest and darkest secrets, sins, hurts and everything which we hide inside of ourselves - from others, and even sometimes, ourselves. And to allow God to heal them through His love and forgiveness.

I've learnt the true meaning of John 15:5 "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." I need to walk closely with God on order to do His work, and i guess that is what i've been neglecting for the past month or so. It's easier said than done, and when the rubber hits the road it's so easy to fall again. So pls pray that God's grace would help me to press in to Him, and to know His heartbeat. I've realised what my greatest fear is: For me to live my life without God. And for my heart to grow cold towards God.

O how marvellous it is to come into God's embrace and become one of His children - to truly know and experience that love and forgiveness He has for you. To know how much He values you so much so that He willingly died for you. to know that He loves you unconditionally. And how much He wishes for you to come into His fold. He's just waiting for you to ask Him to come into your life. To have that eternal hope of spending eternity with Him. That would be the greatest and bestest thing a person could ever do in his/ her life - to know his/ her creator and saviour.

on listening

I have not been listening - to God =/
too much activity around me. too restless. feel as if i should be 'doing' something all the time.
burns and drains me out, eventually. i just wish to be obedient to Him...
BUT how can i obey if i don't listen?

Will be away at a retreat this weekend, called Encounter weekend. Pray it'll be time for me to come back to His feet once again, to be broken, and refreshed.

"Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices
as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ?
To obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed is better than the fat of rams. "

on lab reports

My first graded assignment is due tmr!
It seems like whenever i do smth, it's so hard for me to be contented with what i have produced. I keep on wanting to make it better and improving it till i'm satisfied. It's not entirely wrong i guess, but when it gets obsessive and i make it my priority, then thats where it goes wrong...
Guess that applies pretty much for most of my life. Been brought up as a perfectionist. Can't really deal with failure or less than perfect work =/

Anyway here's a song from the latest album from Casting Crowns (courtesy of FH) =)

If you ask me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If You ask me to go
Preach to the lost world that Jesus saves

I’ll go, but I cannot go alone
Cause I know I’m nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

Cause when I’m weak, You make me strong
When I’m blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don’t need me
So I’ll stand on Your truth, and I’ll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

If You ask me to run
And carry Your light into foreign land
If You ask me to fight
Deliver Your people from satan’s hand

To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart
And to think with Your mind
I’d give my last breath for Your glory

phew

Wow, end of another week. I'm losing track of time nowadays.
Had a good solid rock meeting tonight. Praise God. I'm learning to lead worship here... wont ever get to do that back home cos ypm has so many talented worship leaders. heh. but yeah. making lots and lots of mistakes and learning from them the hard way. God has been so good to us.
Struggling with what to do and what not to do recently - so many things going on, i feel i have to do everything all the time, just drains me mentally, emotionally, physically. All of them are 'good' things, but my time and energy's so limited. He's telling me to be obedient to what He calls me to do and not run about like a headless chicken aimlessly... guess i'm still learning to discern and know specifically what He wants me to do here...

Weekend's here. Time to catch up on work again. heh. Seems like a never-ending battle. Well, tmr's bonfire night (i.e. excuse for ple to set off fireworks) sidenote: it's very very noisy....
Weather update: it's turning dark at 4pm now... i smell winter coming, starting to affect my mood already =/ Turning cold too...

Received FH's parcel today =) yay. listening to Shawn McDonald's CD now. nice....

soup run for the homeless

Went for a soup run tonight in nottingham town.
5 of us - 1 guy and 4 girls. but the main one in charge of it is a girl who's been doing it faithfully every week for 2 years already. amazing.
It was cold, not nice to be in town at night, a lot of dodgy people around. never like the city at night.
anyway back to the point.
So we walked down the city centre, giving out food (comprising of sandwiches, cakes, fruits, chocolate bars, and hot drinks) to the 'homeless' people roaming the streets. Was a lil apprehensive initially cos have not done this before and the people who came up to us looks exactly like those people i would want to avoid when i go out. But they were generally quite nice to us (i.e. asked politely for food, though some complained we were taking too long, etc etc. And some got irritated when we ran out of food) Most of the time it was people coming up to us than we going up to them cos most of them have been homeless for some time and they know people give out free food on this day at this certain time...

I didnt really talk much to them cos of the cultural barrier, didnt really know how to start a conversation and keep it going either without being awkward =/ so just asked them what food they wanted and gave it to them.

But along the way one of us saw an old man walking on crutches and approached him. He seemed really cold and hungry. He sat down at the bench and we gave him some hot drinks. He was quite old, hard of hearing, and we couldnt really hear him speak. Sat down beside him and tried talking to him... he doesnt have a family or if he has they have abandoned him, and he just wanders round alone from day-to-day. I dont know if anyone were to know if he were to die on the streets one day. He seemed really sad.

Felt sorry for him, but know that whatever i say or do wouldnt help his situation. Really wanted to tell him about Jesus. But i didnt know how. He asked me if i had a happy family. i answered smth really stupid i'd think. i said "Well, my parents are separated... but i've got Jesus." in a vain attempt to tell him about Jesus. sigh.

Really wanted so much to give him some hope, some joy. not just transient hope, or temporary happiness. But eternal. That the food we're giving out only fills his hunger for a while, but only Jesus can fill his spiritual hunger... But i guess it starts with meeting the practical needs first.
How much can i do? How much impact can one do... in eternity.
i'm typing this in the comforts of my room, but he's out there in the freezing cold now =/ i can pray for him but i can also do more... O Lord, pls teach me how. Give me a heart of compassion.

reminiscent =)

Thinking about home. Honestly, it's been quite rare since i got back here. I've been feeling so detached and disconnected from home, family and friends back home... Guess it's hard to keep in touch frequently cos of different time zones, lives, etc.
But it's always nice to read a comment dropped by someone back home, even if it's a short one :) thank you eefoo, meixin, justin, ty and all who read...
Was reading a friend's blog from home, got me reminiscent about home and all. And gave me inspiration to blog, thanks Yvonne if youre reading this :)

I think i've been here long enough to forget how life is like back in Singapore. But i guess ultimately i'm just an 'embassader' here for the meantime and doing what God wants me to do here. Yet sometimes, i'm confused about where my sense of belonging is. I've grown to grow familiar to this place, and found my community of friends here as well. i've even got a home to call my own now :) But ultimately this is only my temporary home...

Realise i'm not a face-to-face person if you know me. i'm not good at interacting with people and being myself. Find it so much easier to communicate through emails and stuff. the less direct the better, heh. Sigh. but that's not how God created us to be right? otherwise everyone can just stay at home and communicate through the internet/ phone. We all need some sort physical touch eventually.

ok. just some thoughts. been a while since i typed them down...

a broken spirit and a contrite heart

A broken spirit, and a contrite heart
You will not despise
You will not despise
You desire truth in the inward parts
A broken spirit ,and a contrite heart

"1Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love,
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins.
2Wash me clean from my guilt,
Purify me from my sin.
6But you desire honesty from the heart,
so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being.
7Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;
Wash me, and i will be whiter than snow.
8Oh, give me back my joy again;
you have broken me -
now let me rejoice.
9Don't keep looking at my sins.
Remove the stain of my guilt.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a right spirit within me.
11Do not banish me from your presence,
and don't take away your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me again the joy of your salvation,
and make me willing to obey you."

Psalm 51

on baking (part 2)

Hmm things weren't as bad as i described it in my last post... I tend to look at things too negatively sometimes =/ anyway, thanks huifen, i certainly do need to get some baking tips from you.
Anyway, my flatmates said that it tasted quite nice! yay =)
heh, so what was bad turned out to be 'good' in the end.
Guess it's a bit like me. I'm so rubbish and messed up, but somehow God still uses me.
And though i feel the things that i do are like that cake-gone-wrong but by God's grace and miracle it turns out to be good.
Guess God really specializes in using broken, spoilt, bad people/things and making them good and wholesome, or even better =) Amazing huh.

i didnt get much work done in the weekend in the end =/ oh well. Shall not worry and trust God. Please pray for me - for more focus and God's wisdom to use my time.

have a blessed week ahead my friends.

on baking

Had my first attempt at baking today.
It was doomed to fail from the start. heh.
Got the simplest recipe i could find on the net - Butter Cake
Quite idiot proof. Or so i thought.
Bought the equipment and ingredients. Spent about S$60 in all.
Fatal error no. 1: Added butter to the flour (i.e. i added a double portion of butter)
Fatal error no. 2: Forgot to beat the butter first before adding sugar
Fatal error no. 3: Added in egg yolks without beating butter and sugar first

Bah. I realised it was insalvageable on number 3. And so the rest was history.
Was quite irritated and disappointed at myself initially. After all that money and effort spent. Only to screw up =/
But learnt a few important lessons through this failure:
1) I am a terribly impatient and careless person. I try to hurry things and do them as fast as i can. I hate wasting time.
2) There are no short cuts. More haste less speed. I have to follow step by step and not try combine or skip steps!!! Crucial in baking!!! And probably in the christian walk as well.
3) We can learn from our mistakes, and it can do us good. If once i fail, try and try again. And guess that applies to the christian walk as well.
4) We can find some humour in such situations. And so yes, here i am typing this post. Hopefully you're smiling or grinning. heh.

Oh yes, if youre interested. I decided to go ahead and bake the 'mixture' anyway. Looked far from a cake, but tasted quite nice!! haha. not a COMPLETE failure after all. At least i can eat it.
oh well. So here's my account of my first baking attempt. There will be more to come! Stay tuned.... till then, if pam can cook, so can you!

thoughts....

My flatmates are in London this weekend, so i'm all alone in the flat tonight.... Feels so different, feels like last year, when i spent most of my nights alone in my room. Got me reflective. Maybe that's why i'm blogging less this year, my social activity has increased, voluntarily and involuntarily. heh. Guess it's good also. Need to learn to be less anti-social.

Anyway, been thinking about pleasures lately. And the point of them all. So many things i want to do. I wish i could do. Skydiving. Horseriding. White water rafting. Travelling. Watching movies. Playing games. Etc. The list can go on....

Yet, all these require both time and money. Which could be used and spent on God's work and 'better suff'. I still can't reconcile the fact of me pursuing worldly pleasures and the verse that 'this life that i live, i live no longer for myself . I'm questioning all the things i do, to the point that i get legalistic and judgemental sometimes. =/ sigh, i don't know. I confused. I'm just trying to obey His Word, yet sometimes seems so contrary to what the world does - even those whom He calls. Or am i mis-interpreting scripture? Someone please enlighten me... O Lord, please speak to me. Teach me how to live this life you've called me to.

autumn's here... again

Yup, it's here alright. I was wondering when it'll come but i guess it creeps in slowly...
Can see the mixture of green, brown, red, orange and yellow leaves and fallen maple leaves covering the ground. I remember last year how i used to trudge through the fallen leaves on the path on the way to school. Was quite fun :) But this year i'll be giving it a miss cos i've become lazy and take the shuttle bus (they call it the hopper bus here cos you hop on and off. heh.) to school instead of walking. bleh. But maybe i'll just shuffle through the leaves-strewen path just for fun one day.
Quite like autumn, it's nice when the wind blows and the orange leaves surround me. The days are getting shorter though =/ And i'm not looking forward to long nights again... but seasons come and go i guess.

end of a busy week...

Ending my week at 3am on a friday. Finally have time after a busy week to blog... Thank God for weekends... though it itself has it's own set of 'busyness'. sigh, need to rest in Him. Have been running about doing stuff, but spending less time with Him, guess that's why i've been feeling lethargic, and all. But His grace and strength sustains me nevertheless.

Had our first proper bible study for solid rock today. Was very very unprepared, realized that only an hour before bible study and was in a mad rush to tie loose strings! Ultimately, i knew only God's mercy and grace could help me, and He did. Was struggling initially, but thank God for people in my group who helped to contribute to the discussion. Quite a gd mix of ple, from Africa, Korea, China, HK, Singapore and Malaysia... A few newcomers and come non-christians came as well.

ok need to focus on studying in the weekend, quite strangely i do most of my studying (however little of it) during the weekends more than the weekdays... quite unfocused in the weekdays cos there's so much other stuff going on. Many things i'm still unsure of =/

Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because i am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly and the burden i give to you is light." Matthew 11:18-30

Coming to Jesus, guess that's where i go at the start and end of the day... to find rest, peace and solace in Him. One thing i still don't understand though. Why does He say the burden He gives is light? i sort of understand, but it's not concrete enough... hmm.

ok, time to zzz.
Have a blessed and restful weekend my friends.

P.S. FH is flying back to Singapore today, keep a look out for him :)

Come to Jesus - taken from "Utmost for His Highest"

Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— "Come to Me . . . ." In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, "Just as I am, I come." As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to "Come . . . ."
"Come to Me . . . ." When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy Spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
How often have you come to God with your requests and gone away thinking, "I’ve really received what I wanted this time!" And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, "Come to Me . . . ."

first week of school

Hi all,
hope it's been a good week.
Labs and lectures have started for me, and i've got quite a number of morning lectures this year! that means waking up early... and i've realised i'm quite bad at that esp since i'm nocturnal and sleep late and wake up late. Guess it's good also, disciplines me to sleep a lil earlier and wake up early too. Though i had to drag myself out of bed this week, and overslept my alarm most of the time. heh. But good thing 2 of my flatmates do psych as well so we help wake each other up! Lectures have been alright, just have a lot of reading up to do. I've borrowed most of the books from the library (being a typical kiasu singaporean) but have yet to read up on them due to other commitments and random things that come along the way...
I realised that staying in a flat means spending MORE time doing grocery shopping, cooking, washing, etc. But it's been alright, learning to cook more stuff :)
Had our first cell group meeting for Solid Rock tonight. I led P&W for the first time, was quite a daunting and humbling experience. So many things against me, i hate extensive attention, i can't sing for nuts and i've got a stuttering problem when i speak, esp to large groups of ple when i get nervous. But i must remember it's all about Him and not myself... So must learn to learn and move on... If this is what He has called me to do here, then it shall be and His grace would be sufficient. Cell went alright, things were a bit awkward initially but after an ice-breaker things warmed up more. Not many ple came today, but was a good sharing session, about how each of us came to know Christ. Realised all our experiences are so vastly different, and how God deals with each one of us. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if we have known Him for ages or have just known Him, we're all learning and what matters most is that we follow Him with a sincere heart. We're all equal in His sight, 'mature' or 'immature' christian. The least shall be the greatest and the greatest shall be the least in the kingdom of God.
Weekend's here = time to stock up food in fridge!!! haha. Might do some baking with my flatmates tmr as well. Havent tried that yet :P
And yes, i better catch up on my reading and WORK. O Lord grant me discipline and FOCUS.

first day of school

Finally. School and lessons are going to start. It's been 2 weeks, yet it feels like 2 months, i really don't know why.
I'm not ready to start school yet =/ Well, but i need to get down to it soon. Monday blues i guess. Thank God i don't have too early a lecture though.
"Be sure to do what you should, for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For we are each responsible for our own conduct." Galatians 6:4-5
I guess this gives me reason to study for now.
I want to go sky diving and sailing, if God and time permits :)
ok need to get changed and walk to school soon.
God bless and have a good week ahead my friends.

All Because Of This - Mercy Me (Spoken For)

Why do we do the things we do
How can we sing when there seems no reason to
How do we smile when there's not much to smile about
When the world is down who are we to stand and shout
They wonder why we do the things we do

[CHORUS]
It's all because of this
It's all because of this
We've tasted love, tasted hope, tasted holiness

And they wonder why, we do the things we do

first Solid Rock meeting

phew, have been sleeping at 2am the past week =/ Preparing for today's SR meeting and other stuff. Quite physically and mentally tired. But His strength has sustained me thus far and i believe will sustain me for the rest of the year, even if it will remain this way, which i pray will not...
I wonder if it's a good thing i'm so busy, makes me not think so much about home and other stuff. Yet makes me guilty of neglecting certain people and things as well =/ Leaves me so little time to really be still and let the Holy Spirit speak to me cos my mind is going on and on 24/7... Till i hit the bed. At least i have been sleeping quite well. Got a nice purple duve compared to last year :) it's getting colder now and i really need it.
Need to be more like Mary and not Martha, yet sometimes it seems so impossible and difficult when there are so many things to be done. Then again, what truly is more important? I would rather sit at Jesus' feet and listen, yet my mind is all over the place worrying about stuff i should do. sigh.
This year seems so different from the last. At least for this part, and maybe the rest. i don't know. Is my priority studies or SR? hmm, neither really. It should be God...
ok brain and body needs to rest, another long day tmr. I'm quite excited about tmr's meeting, albeit somewhat nervous but i must remember i must not take control of it but to leave it in His hands. Yes. O if only i can feel and act out what i think. But what is impossible with man is possible with God.
friday's here. weekend's near.
it's raining now. i do feel a tinge of sadness.

verses for those who need encouragement...

"We depend on the LORD alone to save us.
Only He can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we are trusting in His holy name.
Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,
for our hope is in You alone." Psalm 33:20-22

"I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me,
freeing me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me.
He set me free from all my fears.
For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear Him,
and He rescues them." Psalm 34:5-7

Amen.

Moving...

It's been a week. Seems longer than that though. Don't know why... maybe it's bcos it's my second year and it feels that i've been here so long already. Guess it's a good thing. Haven't got homesick yet. But miss the people...
Gonna move out of my temporary house tmr. it's been really nice staying in a house with 3 other Malaysians. The singaporean living with them just came back today so i was using her room in the meantime :) Did some cooking and baking together. Was quite a disaster but hilarious all at the same time. I see more of this happening in the future. heh...
Will be moving in to my new flat tmr. My flatmates will all be coming back tmr as well, 5 of us in all. I'm quite excited. Will be very different as compared to last year where i stayed in my own room and had my meals cooked for me.
The university is bubbling with life again with all the new students. Reminds me of last year... Now, it's my turn to guide and lead the younger ones.
Still many things to do before school starts in a week's time. But i yearn for those quiet times for God to speak to me again... Thirst for His presence. Have lost that for some time.
But He's been good and faithful. Always there. Always merciful and gracious. Need to trust Him more and not rely on my feelings all the time.

Hope all is well, my friends.
Till another time.
In His love, pam

International week

The new international students will arrive tomorrow. about 9000 in all.
I'll be going down to crash the events to meet as many people as i can, talk to them and hand flyers about Solid Rock (check out our website! http://solidrock.weicheah.com/index.html) to them as well as invite them to come for a welcome dinner we're organizing this saturday...
Honestly, i'm not as excited or looking forward to meeting them as i should be. Besides, i've never really been someone to take the first step to get to know others.. always been the passive and shy sort, unless i make it a point to get to know the other person... Reminds me of how i was like when i first arrived last year not really knowing anyone at all. I must put myself in their shoes. Hmm. O Lord, please help me to be bold and courageous, for you did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of POWER, LOVE and SELF-DISCIPLINE. Help me to do this out of love and not duty or obligation...

I realise so often how my life is different from others... Sometimes it's so hard to understand them, as well as to be understood by them. Today's daily bread reading taught me not to compare myself to others or vice versa. Each one of us is different and God has a place for each of us in His work. We might be doing different things, but in the end it's all for HIM, all for His glory. My only commandment is to FOLLOW Him and OBEY. And it is the same for all of us... in all that we do. I must bear that in mind. Not to put people into my tiny mould. For His thoughts and ways are higher than mine...

I had some mooncake yesterday =) Walked a lot the past few days cos public transport is ex here so try to save money... that's my exercise now, since i cant play tennis here cos of the bad weather =/ Miss tennis in singapore.

Shepherd of my soul
i give you full control
wherever you may be i will follow

You will be my guide
Hold me closely to Your side
Wherever you will lead i will go

Be it by the quiet waters
or by the gentle stream
the shepherd of my soul is by my side
Be it by the mighty mountains
or in the raging sea
the shepherd of my soul will be my guide.

Amen.

back in Notts

Hi those who still read :)
I've reached Notts safely, putting up at a friend's house temporarily till i can move into my new flat! It's been one heck of a journey, took my 26 hours in all from the time i left Changi airport till i reached Nottingham. One flight delay and missed a coach in London. Phew. I thought my arms were gonna break at one point lugging all those bags... He put some interesting people who sat beside me during the flight so it wouldn't be so boring. heh.
I wasn't so emotional this time round, maybe cos it's the second time so i kinda know what to expect... And when i reached it felt kinda familiar again. That cold weather, that thick fluffy clouds, green pastures, sheep, busy London streets and all... Still feels pretty unreal, everything happened so fast, guess it'll take some time for things to sink in again, i'm quite slow to adjust and react to these things =/
Thank you all for your wishes and prayers, thank you meixin, yvonne, thaddy for sending me off at the airport and even for those who couldn't thank you for your msges and well wishes :) Missing you guys.
it's starting to get chilly cos summer's ending and so autumn's here soon, another season gone and another comes. Gonna be busy busy busy soon... but for now, shall enjoy the quietness of the night.
From Notts to Singapore
yours, pam

New beginnings...

3 months has passed just like that, like a friend said, it seems so long that we've been back in Sgp, yet it still seems so short. Of course, who wouldn't want a longer holiday? heh. I've had a generally good summer break, though i wished more time would have been spent in Sgp and not travelling so much. Though it was a gd experience and all. Didn't get to do all i wanted to do here (i listed a whole lost of stuff i wanted to do when i got back, i think i only did 2 out of 10) Didn't get to meet up with some friends i wished to meet up as well... sighs....
Had a last tennis session with friends tonight. thanks eefoo for organizing it for me :) There are just some things that don't change after 9 months, yet, there are some things that have changed as well - have become so distant from friends whom i considered as 'close'... but i guess people come and go... part of life. Got to get used to it and not get disappointed. And i'm sure i'm guilty of it too... well, i can count my blessings. I've got a few great friends, thank you for being there :) and thank you ALL for being a part in my life.

It's time for me to fly back to UK to start a new academic year, as well as many other new things in Nottingham... One side of me feels sad, afraid, alone and reluctant. Yet i know these are but feelings and i must not let them rob me of what God has in store for me. I must trust Him. I must depend on Him. I must focus on Him. I know this year would be more challenging and difficult than the last, but i also know His grace would also abound when i need it more...

Packing's really crazy. i think i can barely finish packing before i go to the airport tmr. So using the quiet hours of the day to reflect, while the day is packed with activities. Shall make a trip to the beach and bedok jetty tmr morning for the last time before i fly off. To feel the seabreeze (hopefully it's cool tmr :)) on my face, and hear the waves as they lap up the shore. Maybe see a few ships, planes, and someone sailing or windsurfing in the distance. That's one thing i miss the most here.

Shall remember His words to me:
"Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go." Joshua 1:7
thank you mel for reminding me.

Take care all and God bless you all. If anyone needs prayer, feel free to email me: pphor@yahoo.com.sg
Thanks for reading. Shall continue to update when i'm in Notts.

WARNING: Ramblings ahead.

Last ypm service before i leave for UK again... Wasn't as emotional as the last one. Pre-service prayer was refreshing, just for that short while... sat there alone worshipping and praying. Felt God's presence there. Didn't manage to attend many ypm sessions cos of holidays and other stuff, kinda sad =/ Didn't manage to catch up with the people i promised to. Feel like i'm slowly drifting further and further away from the people... getting irrelevant and obsolete. But guess it's ineveitable, it'll only get worse over the years... But i really thank God for certain people there who brighten things up.
Pretty disillusioned and disappointed with people and myself. I often have expectations of people which are not met, but it's unfair that i put it on them in the first place. guess Father is teaching me to run to Him and not to others... but how often i do otherwise...so often i seek to be understood rather than understand. lately i've been seeking for my needs to be met rather than seeking to meet others... so often i've been inward looking instead of focusing on God and His people. O Father pls forgive me and refresh my heart once more.

Thanks for listening, or reading rather, feel a lil better now...

back... for now...

Hi guys,

Just got back today. Mission trip was humbling and a learning experience for all of us. But i trust God used our weaknesses to work, and i leave the rest to Him. We also visited a mountain village (woke up at an insane hour of 430am to climb a mountain to watch the sunrise. was quite beautiful though my feet still hurt till now. heh) Me and my mom went off on our own after that to the state of trengganu, went to a place called Lake Kenyir, supposed to be the largest man-made lake in Asia, but wasn't very spectacular to me, wasn't worth the trip i'd say, unless you really love fishing or nature and don't mind mosquitos and insects. Spent a night up in Genting, didn't really do much but eat and walked ard... Then proceeded to my relative's place in Klang. Haven't visited them in a long time, was nice seeing them again, and playing with their dogs! One of my cuz got married in May this year so watched their wedding video, quite touching and sweet. heh.
Spent most of the time travelling really, was kinda bored and lonely most of the time. Guess i've outgrown the joys of travelling with my mom, or maybe i've never really enjoyed travelling... Realised it's not where i am or what i do but what i think that really makes me happy. But that doesnt really matter. What i really want is the JOY of the Lord... which seems so lacking in my life =/
Now thrown back to reality i must get ready to face my fears and uncertainties... O Father, pls speak and teach me what to do. Move, or move me Lord. I need to hear from You.

kuantan mission trip

Heading to Kuantan tmr... second time i'm leaving singapore since i came back from UK... (first time was to Aust) Get this strange feeling everytime i leave singapore now. Was feeling very apprehensive and unprepared about going for this mission trip but after praying about it, feel more assured now, that i'm not just going there without a purpose which i initially felt. Gonna be teaching pretty young kids (which i'm not used to...) and sharing me testimony in mandarin (!!!!) spent the whole day translating today, realised how pok my chinese has become, cant write so many things! bleh. Thanks Liren for helping me :)
If you could pls pray for our team going there (5 of us in all..):
1) God will prepare our hearts and give us the right attitude to serve His people there.
2) God will show us their needs and help us to minister to them and bless them.
3) God's grace will be present in our weaknesses, that He would be glorified

Thanks all.
Will be back next friday.
Take cares and God bless!

update...

15 more days before it’s another 9 months away from home… seems so unreal again. Yet with each day to my departure, I do feel sad. But not as sad or apprehensive as last year. Now, I’ve got friends there and Notts has become a familiar place (well, more or less, I still get lost once in a while, heh)
Have been spending my days pretty much like last year, doing nothing much in particular. Trying out cooking at home (hmm. Lemme see. Curry chicken. Sweet and sour pork. Black pepper prawns…), learning some guit, catching up with some friends, going with my mom for movies and run errands, play tennis with Dad, went windsurfing once with him as well! Helping out on an ad-hoc basis in church and at a home beside Woodbridge. Quite amazing how these seemingly small things can make me busy and pass my time, though at times I still feel pretty aimless, but guess it’s normal… until school starts again. ‘
Will be going to Malaysia for a week this Friday, 3 days in Kuantan for a short mission trip. Then off to somewhere in Malaysia to see some lake my mom wants to see. Heh. Might go visit my relatives in Klang as well. Meet up with a couple of friends in JB hopefully. Then back home to get ready to fly back to UK… oh… fast fast fast.

taste of flight - Going Solo by Saurabh Lall

He was nervous. He had had a queasy feeling in his stomach since last night. Bleary eyed and tired, he had not been able to sleep a wink the previous night. He had hardly managed to eat dinner and there was no way he could have eaten breakfast that morning, such was the condition of his stomach. Of course it did not show, or so he thought, but his veteran instructor had already noticed the tell-tale signs of nervousness as soon as he met him. The instructor wondered about his student's condition for a few seconds, then remembered hundreds of youngsters before him who had felt the same way on such an important occasion, and to call it the most challenging and important day of his life would be an understatement, it meant a lot more to him. He briefly thought about his own first experience, all those years ago.

The day had been almost like this, maybe a little less cloudy, still he had faith in the kid's ability. The nervousness would soon disappear, instinct and training would take over, and pretty soon he'd feel right at home. The young boy (he was barely eighteen) listened to a few last minute words of advice from his instructor, wiping a drop of sweat from his brow. It was not a hot day, quite pleasant in fact, but he still felt like he was drowning in perspiration. He went through the cycle in his mind again, and again and again. "He had to do this right. He could not screw up. He would not screw up. Hell, he was good, and he knew it..." After going through the usual procedures with a checklist, he began the ultimate experience....his first solo...

Roaring down the empty airstrip, the noise of the engine was somewhat deafening, but also reassuring. Soon he knew, he would be right at home, "at home in the air....because that's where he belonged....that's where all pilots belonged, right from von Richthofen to Robin Olds, from Lindbergh to Rutan, for them, land was only a temporary dwelling where one must return to eat and sleep. Besides that the only thing that kept them from staying up there was of course...fuel." "And remember to set the fuel mixture to rich.", jerked out of his daydream by his instructor's final words of advice, he said the customary, "Roger that!" He increased the throttle to eighty-five percent, accelerated rapidly and slowly lifted the nose up....he was airborne! Looking somewhat comical and maybe even a little ungainly, the Cessna 152 leapt into the sky with the grace of a Basketball player.....his dreams along with him, had finally taken flight. Without him even realizing it, a wide smile had formed on his lips. "What was that his instructor had said? After your first solo, your cheek muscles will be hurting the most..."cause you're going to have a wide grin plastered on your face the whole day. That was probably true....he couldn't remember a single day when he had been in a better mood." He looked at the instrument panel again and told himself, "Stop daydreaming! Concentrate on the flight!" Everything seemed to be perfect, he checked his short flight plan, and adjusted his magnetic compass. "I wonder if all pilots talk to themselves at 8000 feet? There, I'm doing it again. Must be lack of Oxygen. Ha, OK. Leveling off at 8,000 feet. Airspeed 142 indicated. God, that sky is so BLUE! And I'm up here, I'm finally flying!" He leaned back into his seat, still smiling, looking down on the miniature town beneath him, filled with people driving around in their cars, going about their busy lives, not one of them had the time to stop and look up into that beautiful blue sky, and see the clouds, the sun, the birds and a little single-engined plane with a nervous student pilot in it. But then again, maybe someone was watching him, some kid in his school playground, who stopped playing cricket for a minute to watch that little single-engined plane fly overhead, to listen to the music of it's engine as others covered their ears, to wait for it to pass by. And maybe that kid could already identify the plane, and maybe he was wishing he was in it, soaring high above, instead of having to do Chemistry in the next period. "You'll make it too, whoever you are....if you are down there that is....just like I did," he mumbled to himself, "G'luck". 'It really was a beautiful day, but I guess all pilots feel that way on their first solo, nothing can possibly go wrong.'

It was magical, that first rush of true freedom, coupled with some apprehension, no comforting instructor in the right hand seat, ready to take over at any moment. He was on his own, the ultimate test of his skill. The sense of freedom was soon taken over by the immense number of jobs to do in the cockpit, and with no one to remind him in case he forgot anything, he couldn't afford to lose concentration for a second, he had to be constantly aware of the weather conditions, which could change at a moment's notice. He had to understand what his instruments were telling him. Ultimately even with all the modern technology, for a student pilot on his first solo, the most important element in the cockpit is still the pilot, a young, inexperienced kid, who is truly alone for the first time in his life, and holding that life in his own hands as he steadies the stick to keep the plane straight and level. And the weird thing is, that while accomplishing all these different challenging tasks, the pilot still has time to reflect on the true beauty of flight. He wonders what makes it so beautiful. But his question remains unanswered, People throughout history have wondered what make flight so beautiful, so magical, so...miraculous, and the truth is....after more than ninety years of powered flight, no pilot can truly describe what flight means to him or her. They can only take you up into the sky, and let you decide for yourself, just how...how indescribable flight really is.

The pilot now turned his plane into a standard two-minute turn to head back home. This turn back to base is usually accompanied by a feeling of disappointment in the pilot, he now has to return to the 'real' world, a dull place, where people are more concerned about what's on television than to ever think about flight. This feeling was followed by a feeling of apprehension in the student pilot. This was the real challenge. Landing. They say that 70 percent of all aircrashes occur during landing. The Aeroplane is at it's most vulnerable when close to the ground. Any idiot can fly a plane, but it takes a pilot to land it. The pilot checked and rechecked his instruments, and keyed in his mike: "This is Sierra-India-Zero-One-Niner, requesting permission to land". "Roger that, Zero-One-Niner, you are cleared to land. Had a good flight?" "Hehe, you bet I did! This is Zero-One-Niner coming in to land" "Okay kid, don't be nervous". He reduced power, lowered his flaps and readied the aircraft to land. Making a clean approach, he gently flared the little plane for a smooth touchdown. Reducing the throttle even further, he let out a low whistle as he taxied off the main airstrip and slowly mouthed the words of a Pink Floyd song, 'Learning to Fly', "There's no sensation to compare with this suspended animation, a state of bliss, can't keep my eyes from the circling skies Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I".

He finally understood what those words really meant, and how inadequate they were. The smile was still on his face. He hadn't stopped smiling since take-off, just like his instructor had said.
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hmm. FH: i wonder if you felt this way on your first solo too? ;)

An Amazing Life Story

Today's church sermon was not the usual one. Was given by Dr. William Tan, a doctor, neuroscientist, a Rafflesian, Oxford and Harvard graduate, and was also the first paraplegic to finish 10 Marathons in 7 continents (incl Antarctica!!) in just 70 days (to raise funds for the less fortunate/poor/disabled/etc and raise awareness abt their plight).... All this despite being born into a poor family, a kindergarten dropout and being paralysed from the waist down since he was 2. Amazing how he rised above his circumstances to accomplish and be who he is today.
Though he wasn't born into a Christian family, God's grace was upon his life from his birth, providing for him and preparing him for what was ahead... and even in leading Dr. Tan to Himself, that God purposed each and every detail in his life, so that God might be glorified and magnified through his life.
Life doesn't make sense. War, sickness, disability, death, etc... How can we trust God amidst all this? In Dr Tan's position, i think he would have more right than most of us to question the fairness of it all, yet he said that he never asked, not even once, 'why me'? He said God granted him the grace and gift of acceptance.
In John 9, Jesus' disciples asked him why a particular man was born blind, was it as a result of his own sins or those of his parents? It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins, Jesus answered, he was born blind so the power of God could be seen in his life. And he goes on to say that, all of us must quickly carry out the tasks assigned by the one who sent Him (God the Father) because there is little time left before the night falls and all work comes to an end (the end of the world i presume). So is this answer fair? One may ask, or even i ask sometimes. Yet, who are we, mere humans, creations of our Creator and Saviour, question Him? But when i see people like Dr. Tan, whom God has used so mightily despite his disability, i'm amazed and humbled.

song

When Nothing Satisfies by Jennifer Knapp (she's cool (:)

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
Know there's nothing that I can't abide
When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your Light Lord,
And send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to Your Holy Place
Then will I go to the Altar of God
To my Joy, my Delight and my Strength
When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Why are You so downcast o my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God My Savior, my King My Savior, my King
When Nothing Satisfies You
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

hymn

Bought a CD by Jars of Clay today. The album's called Redemption songs. i seldom buy myself CDs but i've been wanting to get this for some time already... so decided to satisfy my craving (:
I used to think hymns were boring, but slowly i've learnt to appreciate and see the beauty in them... in fact i think their lyrics are more meaningful than some of the 'new' christian songs... i try to listen to a mixture of both.
This album is a bridge between old hymns and modern music. Wanted to see how they remixed it. Sounds quite nice (:
Here is one of them entitled 'God Be Merciful to Me' from Psalm 51

God be merciful to me on Thy grace
I rest my plea
Plenteous in compassion Thou
Blot out my transgressions now

WASH ME, MAKE ME PURE WITHIN
CLEANSE, OH, CLEANSE ME FROM MY SIN

My transgressions I confess
Grief and guilt my soul oppress
I have sinned against They grace
And provoked Thee to Thy face

I CONFESS THY JUDEGMENT JUST
SPEECHLESS, I, THY MERCY TRUST

I am evil born in sin
Thou desires truth within
Thou alone my Saviour art
Teach Thy wisdom to my heart

MAKE ME PURE, THY GRACE BESTOW
WASH ME WHITER THAN THE SNOW

Gracious God, my heart renew
Make my spirit right and true
Thy salvation's joy impart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Steadfast make my willing heart
Broken, humbled to the dust
By Thy wrath and judgment just
Let my contrite heart rejoice
And in gladness hear Thy voice

FROM MY SINS, OH, HIDE THY FACE
BLOT THEM OUT IN BOUNDLESS GRACE

P.S. it sounds nicer with the music (:

Reflections

I’ve come to see (by God’s grace and revelation) the similarities and parallels between these inmates and ourselves:

1) We’re all prisoners - of sin. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” Like the prisoners who deny their crime or minimize it, some of us are ignorant of the sin in our lives or choose to deny them, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are in prison (no matter how many times they assert they did not commit the crime or it’s not their fault or blame it on others), we are all trapped by sin’s power and hold over us, no matter how much good we have done or we say we do. Breaking the law has its consequences – you go to prison. In the same way, breaking God’s law has its consequences. “For the wages of sin is death…” In the words of the apostle Paul in Romans, “Well then, am I suggesting that the law of God is evil? (because it condemns us) Of course not! The law is not sinful but it was the law that showed me my sin. I would never know that coveting it wrong if the law had not said, ‘do not covet.’… So the good law, which was supposed to show me the way of life, instead gave me the death penalty. Sin used what was good to bring about my condemnation. So we can see now how terrible sin really is. It uses God’s good commandment for its own evil purposes.” Many of these prisoners commit crime because they are defiant to the law and chose to rebel. Others, simply ignorant to the law, didn’t realize they were doing something wrong (e.g. taking drugs) till they were caught. The same applies to most of us…

2) This week I witnessed a smaller version of a court scene in prison (inmates who commit offences in prison are brought before a ‘mini court’ and charged, either to be put in isolation, caned or to have their sentences lengthened) In the same way, God judges all of us. He is a just and holy God. Yet, unlike other judges, in His love, mercy and compassion towards us, He steps down from where He is and subjects Himself to the punishment for our ‘crime’ - by sending His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. So in this way, He has ‘paid’ for our sins and we are free. “So now there is not more condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death.” However, in the words of Paul again, “Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more kindness and forgiveness? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?” Many of these prisoners have come in and out of prison for most of their entire lives, like many of us, who try to obey God’s law or not to sin but fall into sin again and again and again… Even the apostle Paul struggled with sin, these are the words from him: “It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?” I believe Paul’s words echos the feelings of these ‘life-long criminals’. They insist they will change when they leave prison but before they know it they are back in again. Guess it’s the same for most of us… we can’t change our lives of sin on our own…

3) I’ve personally come across 2 ex-prisoners who came to know God in prison and whose lives have been completely turned around. It’s simply amazing and it couldn’t have been possible on their own if not for God’s grace in their lives and their faith in Him. Like these prisoners, I believe God has opened the ‘prison doors’ for every one of us because He has paid the penalty for us, and it’s only a matter of whether we choose to step out of the prison doors. “For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. As the scriptures tell us, ‘Anyone who believes in him will not be disappointed. Jew and Gentile are the same in this respect. They all have the same Lord, who generously gives his riches to all who ask for them. For ‘Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Yup. That brings me to the end of my sharing, I pray that if you ‘tahaned’ this long blog He would speak to you in His own special way. As for me, I’ve chosen to walk out of that prison door of mine without looking back. It’s difficult, but He’s teaching me day by day with His grace. I pray you’ll walk out of that door of yours too, if you haven’t, that’ll you’ll be set free from whatever’s holding you down.

It’s been so long
In this wretched cage
Longing to be set free
To soar on eagle’s wings

Then one day
My Saviour came along
And opened the door

Afraid I was
Of the outside world
Accustomed to my life of misery

But He reached in
And I took His hand
To live the life I was created to live
For my Saviour, Lord and Friend.

Last day of work!!!

Woohoo! It’s the end of my month’s attachment at prisons, seems just like yesterday I was hoping it would end soon, so I can relax and do some other stuff for the rest of my hols before school starts again… in about a months time =/ Time really flies…
This week has been the most tiring, yet most fulfilling I’d say. Did operational (ground) work in Changi Prison itself (unlike the past 3 weeks where I’ve been attached to the more admin and planning side of prisons), this time I was really interacting with the prison officers and inmates on a daily basis. Was quite uncomfortable and wary on the first day, but slowly got used to the environment and mingling around with them. By today, I mustered up enough courage and confidence to speak to a few of them on my own initiative. Thank God for the officer in charge of me. She’s a prison scholar who studied psych in NUS. Within 2 years and she’s in charge of 10 prison officers and about 350 inmates! Pretty amazing huh. Learnt quite a lot from her. Also interviewed an inmate who’s being released soon. He was meek and polite. He told me he underwent Christian counseling in prison and he intends to find a church to go to when he is released. He was a Buddhist when he came in. But not so many inmates are like him. Many of them have come in and out of prisons for umpteen times, and it’s common for them to live a whole life of crime.

National Day ramblings

It's been sometime since i've last updated, been both busy and tired from work and other stuff. Not used to work life yet i guess, appreciate school more when i start to work. Was at programmes branch last week, sat in the office most of the time. Realise how restless i get at a desk, i can't sit for more than an hour in front of the comp! But still learnt a different set of things there - how people work, the work environment and culture, amongst the many personal experiences some of the officers there shared with me. Thank God for these people He put there :) Also managed to visit another prison (Queenstown Remand Prison) which is one of the older prisons so was till quite glommy and run down as compared to the new Changi Prison Complex (recently opened last year).
Well, this week is my final week! The most exciting one as well cos i'll be stationed inside the prison for the whole working day, seeing how a 'housing unit' (each housing unit houses about 250 inmates) is run daily and the inmates' lives there... First day and it's been an eye-opener already. So many things i never knew, so many misconceptions changed (I can't specify here cos some of it i'm not supposed to say or i could be charged and may be put in prison myself! heh) But i've definitely become less afraid and wary of being aound the inmates and can walk around without fearing for my life all the time. Some of them are actually quite nice people! Probably nicer than people out there. That's the truth. oh wells. It's a doggy-eat-dog world out there. Sometimes i feel the prison protects these inmates from the reality of the world so much that when they come out they can't adjust to it that they commit crimes again. It's a lifestyle for some of time (coming in and out of prisons for their whole life...) it's quite sad really.
Thank God my officer in charge of me wasn't on duty today so i got the day off! =) Wasn't a typical National Day (where i watch the parade on tv or go somewhere with my mom or friends to join in the National Day celebrations). Played floorball with church friends then had dinner at church rooftop where we caught a glimpse (a few sparks) of the fireworks display. heh.
Yup, hope you guys had a great National Day (i.e. holiday) however you spent it :)

sunday song

Weekend's over... Another week of work ahead. For those dreading the week cos of challenges, uncertainty, fear at school or work, i pray the words of this song encourages you. Have a blessed week!
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Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

Pre-chorus:
But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
"Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

Bridge:
But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth