Give them All to Jesus

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?
Are you tired of spinning round and round?
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life
At the feet of Jesus lay them down

Give them all
Give them all
Give them all to Jesus
Shattered hearts, wounded hearts, broken toys

Give them all
Give them all
Give them all to Jesus
And He will turn your sorrow into joy

He never said you'll always see sunshine
He never said there'll be no rain
He only promised a heart full of singing
About the very thing that once brought pain

Philippines Mission Trip 27 Nov - 5 Dec

Check out some of my photos from my recent trip to the Philippines
Was good to go back to see and catch up with friends i met during the first trip 2 yrs back - though sad some have left, but met new friends as well.
Was heartened to see the houses destroyed by the super typhoon in november being rebuilt with the money donated by the church. Though can still see traces of the typhoon which ripped apart houses and the people's livelihood.
We stayed by the beach, and woke up every day to the sounds of the waves, and sight of the sun and blue skies over the sea. Beautiful.
We accomplished (by God's grace and help):
2 children outreaches in the villages involving about 200 children,
1 sunday school ministry,
3 days of leadership training,
Visited 5 villages for food distribution and outreach for about 150 families,
Visited the prison,
Shopping / Eating (!)
Felt like i've been away for a month, though it's only been slightly more than a week.
Praise God for all the souls He has saved and lives He has touched.
Personally i've been blessed tremendously by the sincerity and love of the people there. I thought that i could never handle children, but i realised that it's really fun playing with the kids there. Brings the child out in me again :)
The team was a bunch of crazy people, and despite our very different personalities, we worked well together and enjoyed one another's company very much.
Next Stop: ???

Offering

Sang this song at church today.
Been a long time since i could sense God's presence in worship, to stand truly amazed and revered at His beauty... without caring about anything else.
Enjoy this lovely song. Be blessed! :)

Pam's Dream Holiday Adventure =)

Was thinking about holiday destinations recently, and started to dream of where i'd like to go and what i'd like to do...
http://www.skydivewanaka.com/wanaka-activities.html
Hope can do these someday =) Anyone game?

When Were the Days

Met up with 2 good 'old' uni friends today, both were my housemates in my 2nd year at Nottingham. It's been 2 year since we parted ways. Our lives are pretty different now compared to when we were back in Notts, and when i think back of the times we spent in notts, i can't help but wish i were a student again - things were simpler and more carefree then. But i'm glad that 1 thing hasn't changed - our friendship... And i pray that it would stay this way till we grow old :) i've never had a friendship from school which lasted beyond the duration which we studied, but i believe the friends God gave me in notts are exceptional and special people :)
Once in a while, i'll look back at the photos of old, and brings back bittersweet memories. Some things and people are not around any longer, and i can still feel the ache in my heart and taste the bitterness on my lips. But i've learnt that it's better to let go and move on... Perhaps time will make things better. Perhaps. Maybe yes, maybe no.
Working life is not a bed of roses, and the last 11 months have been the toughest yet, sometimes i don't know how i get by... sometimes i just feel like shouting out but i have no sound coming out, sometimes i feel like my brain is bursting with all of my own thoughts. Nobody to share with at work or outside work. Nobody who understands. My thoughts, emotions, struggles, battles, dilemmas i face at work daily.
Sometimes i wonder why i walked this road less travelled, would it have been easier if i chose the easier way? But i know that i am exactly where God wants me to be - for now. One day, i'll spread my wings and fly away... :)

Bridge over troubled waters...

I'm into oldies recently... songs i would like to be sung when i leave this earth... =)

You've got a friend :)

Usual Updates

Hello friends,
i guess fewer ple read my blog now since i've passworded it. I don't really wish to do it, but perhaps it's for my own good. Not good to be too open nowadays, especially in the nature of my job. Can't talk about work too freely...
Work has been getting better, well, the circumstances hasn't changed, just that i'm trying to change my perception and attitude of things. Discouragement and setback still comes every day, but i'm learning to take it in my stride. A christian mentor at work gave me this piece of advice: you can't change how ple think of you, but by changing how you think of them, it may eventually change the former. Well, so i'm trying to do some damage control now and make amendments... but sometimes i feel that i'm tryin too hard, at the expense of compromising my convictions. Made some bad decisions, didn't do what i felt i had to do bcos my fellow colleagues were not supportive of my decision and i did not push it cos i was afraid to step on their toes... in the end causing some bad stuff to happen =/
I must remember that God's approval and doing what is right in His sight is more important than what others think of me, my ambitions, job, position, etc. Ple expect me to go far, sometimes i'm jealous of others who seem to be able to be christian and still fulfil the nature of the job, but i'm learning to be content with my portion. Not to compare myself to others.

Some upcoming things in store for me :)
1) Run For Hope Singapore - 22 Nov
2) Church Mission Trip to Cabugao, Phillipines - 27 Nov to 5 Dec
3) Church Youth Camp - 9 to 12 Dec

I've also been praying to go to Israel. Had wanted to go this year, but circumstances do not allow it, hence i'm trying to go next year. The desire has always been there, but recently, it has grown... It's costly, but i believe it's worth it :) Let me know if any of you are interested.
Check out http://mountcarmelsom.com/

password

I'm learning to protect myself and will be only allowing trusted friends to read and access my blog starting from 1 Oct onwards... just to be safe. at least for the time being
If you wish to read my blog, pls drop me an email at pphor@yahoo.com.sg before 1 Oct for me to invite you to read my blog. Thanks and sorry for any inconvenience caused.

The Moving Experience

Been 4 days since i moved into my 'new' house - well, not exactly new per se, cos this is the 3rd time i'm moving back here since 1999.
Initially didn't really feel like moving cos was quite comfortable in our rented HDB flat at bedok, although it is much smaller than my current place. Got used to the convenience and all after staying there for 2 years since i returned from UK.
Well, like most normal human beings, i dont really like change. I used to fancy condos, but after staying in a HDB flat, i realised it's not so bad. I don't really mind not having the facilities, small space and all - contented so long as basic needs are met, friendly neighbours and convenience is more important to me.

Had some apprehensions about moving, but after coming back, i'm starting to grow to like this place again - brings back many fond memories... of walks along the beach and bedok jetty whenever i felt down or needed a breather to slow down and reflect on life. I'm just 5 mins away from the sea and skies - 2 elements which i really love. Can go for my runs there :)



Have collected 4 boxes of stuff which i plan to give away. I already threw away tons of stuff mostly things which i keep for memory sake, but i realised that memories etched in my mind are more precious than those which i only remember when i see them (whenever i move house). Will be having a garage sale soon. Stay tuned!

Recently, i watched a movie called Fireproof - it's about a firefighter who could do anything (even risk his life) to save someone he hasn't even met before, but when it came to saving his marriage, it wasn't the same case... Do watch it if you can, really meaningful and touching. Sometimes if feel that way - trying to save/ help others, when i myself need help/ a saviour. I need to draw love and strength from Him more in order to give more of myself. if not, i'm gonna wither and die....

Mount Kinabalu

Just got back from Kota Kinabalu.

Climbed a total of 2230metres (that’s like 13.5times Bukit Timah Hill) – but it wasn’t the height that made it difficult. Was the terrain that almost killed us – which literally did for 2 other tourists who climbed during the same time as us.

Spent 6 hours trekking from Kinabalu Park HQ to the midpoint (covered a total distance of 6km with a few thousand uneven steps) where we spent the night – dropped to as low as nearing freezing point! The coldest I’ve experienced in a South East Asian country… my winter gear did not spare me from the bitter cold winds up there…
Woke up at 130am the next day to prepare for our final trek up the summit. The next 3.5 hours was spent in darkness walking up the steep and rocky slopes. Our headlights lit the path for our feet. There were parts where the rock was inclined at more than 70 degrees and we had to use ropes to pull ourselves up. The air at the top was very thin, and I had to stop every 10-15 steps to catch my breath and rest my tired muscles. Looking down is not recommended for those who are afraid of heights, cos one wrong step and the drop down would surely mean death.

We could see the first traces of light at 6am, after 3 hours of walking – the light penetrating through the darkness was amazing. I pushed myself the last 300metres with all the strength I could garner so that I could beat the sunrise to the highest point, ironically known as Low’s Peak (4095metres), named after the guy who first reached it. At that point in time, we stood above the clouds and seemed to be on the highest point in the world… Was a breathtaking and mountaintop experience indeed! The cold and tiredness didn’t bother me anymore – We enjoyed what we could of the scenery before we had to descend the mountain before the mist started to shroud the summit, and that would be fatal as we would not be able to see on our way down. Some of us came down via ferrata (via stands for very interesting activity and ferrata is derived from an italian word which means 'iron road') It was an exhilarating experience, climbing down from the steep rocks and looking down almost vertical drops. We used harnesses and safety ropes which would prevent us from falling too great a height in case we lost our footing.

If you thought going up the mountain was tough, coming down was even tougher – especially after we had spent the last 7 hours hiking up and down the summit. It also rained so the slopes were dangerously slippery and I fell a few times, thankfully sustained minor bruises and cuts only. My knees were giving way by the end of the 6km down from the midway point to where we had started.

This climb taught me some life lessons – Life is like a journey up and down a mountain. Sometimes there’s just enough light for the step that you are on. You can’t see very far beyond, but you just gotta take things one step at a time. Though the end point is important, it’s the journey that matters, and I learnt that enjoying the journey is more important than reaching the end result. The journey is difficult and even painful at times, but with companionship along the way and the end goal in mind – it would keep us going and not giving up. And when you’ve finally reached, it’ll all be worth it =) Mountain-top experiences don’t last forever, and as the saying goes : ‘What goes up, must come down’. One has to come back to the ground of reality… And that’s where I am right now.

Packing to move house once again – i’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve moved in my life, I think it’s a 2-digit no. Looking throw my old stuff to throw away brings back bittersweet memories. Painful to throw away some things, but it has to be done. Like what an old friend once said, things are no longer the same, and it can never be. No point holding on to false hope and memories. Quite therapeutic getting rid of old stuff.

Anyway, can view some on my kk trip pics here:
http://travel.webshots.com/album/574688028GMhzNH?vhost=travel

It is Finished! =)

Today was the inaugural Yellow Ribbon Prison Run - from Changi Village right into Changi Prison Complex. Was amazing indeed. It was my first time being directly involved in such a large event involving about 10,000 people and a committee of about 400 people.
Been working on it for the last 6 months since March, and was at site for the last 3 days. The weather looked daunting initially when i reached the end site at 430am in the morning, and it started to drizzle when the 10km run was flagged off at 730am. But thank God that the skies held and it was a cool morning which made the run and carnival more pleasant for everyone :)
Was certainly an experience - from learning to work with external and internal parties to co-ordinate such a large scale event - and experiencing the fruits of our hard labour today. All Glory and Thanks to God for Everything.
Pity that I was too busy running ard i didn't take much photos. I thought the place looked lovely =)

If you missed it, you can catch it again next year!

Here are the few pics which i managed to capture:

At 430am in the morning... Sky is still dark, but spirits are bright :)


Main Stage


Rehabilitation Fair (the area I was in charge of)



My reliable and friendly helper :)


The Main Committee - Faces of Relief and Gladness!


Mock-Up Prison Cell


Massage by Sgp Association of the Visually Handicapped (amazing huh?)

Fly Away

Sometimes i wish
i had the wings of an eagle
to fly away
from these earthy troubles
to somewhere with no cares or woes

Held to the ground
By the burdens and sin of this world
It wears me down

I look up to the heavens
And say a prayer
for Him to take me away
But once again He says

My grace is sufficient for you, my child
I will give you the strength you need
To soar on eagle's wings
To fly free and high
with no cares or woes

Updates, thoughts & ramblings

Ran the SAFRA Bay Run & Army Half Marathon on 16 August.
Was my first half marathon. Completed 21km in slightly less than 2.5hrs
Considering i've not ran more than 8km without stopping, i'm quite surprised and proud of myself :)
I was feeling quite ok until 10km, after which each km seemed to get longer and longer, until i couldn't feel my legs, and i had to force my legs to keep on moving, despite it's protests :P
I believe in mind over body, and this was a personal challenge to see whether i could go beyond my limits and comfort zone. Also to train for upcoming climb up Mt Kinabalu in September.

Everytime i run, i am reminded of how life is. A marathon. One can start well, but finishing well is what matters more. It's important to pace oneself, or it's easy to get burnt out and give up. One needs to keep the finishing line and prize in mind, which motivates the runner to keep on going. Having companions to run alongside with also helps.

In the words of the bible,
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:23-25

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Meanwhile, have been very very busy with work. Am in the main organising committee for the upcoming Yellow Ribbon Run on 6 Sept. They say that scholars are supposed to do more, and more is expected from people like us. I'm really feeling stretched and overwhelmed, but sustained by the LORD's grace and strength. Scholar or not, i don't really care anymore, i just do my best and leave the rest to God. I don't really care how far i go or how people look at me anymore. Too tired to bother any longer. Anyhow, i take it as a learning experience, and a test and opportunity to learn to rely more on God, and not my own wisdom or strength. If i boast, let me boast in the LORD. If i succeed, all glory goes to God. And if i fail, then i shall say, blessed be His name.

Facing Discouragement & Loneliness @ Work

Under the shadow of Your wings
I will find a hiding place
You are my refuge
A fortress in whom I can trust

Under the shadow of Your wings
I will find a hiding place
You are my refuge
My God in whom I trust

You are my strength and my shield, O Lord
I run to You and I find help
Under the shadow of Your wings will I abide
And in Your loving arms i will hide

Reflections...

It's been about 2 weeks after my dad passed away.
I was swamped with work the moment i returned the following day, and for a while things seemed to return to normal, as if nothing ever happened.
I returned to my dad's house this weekend, to visit my stepmom and stepsis' family. They seem to be coping alright, and getting on with life. My stepmom had went through all my dad's stuff, and pulled up a whole stack of photos of us when we were younger. (Now i know where all my childhood photos went!) Apparently, he had kept them and framed them up so he could see us whenever he wanted. My stepmom passed me a few of his old tennis rackets, jackets, specs, belts and old photographs. Brought back memories of my dad, and i had to hold back my tears.
Today, my mom convened a "meeting" with my sister, brother and myself to share with us of her life and the circumstances and evens leading up to my parents' divorce. She felt that it was time to tell us, now that we had all grown up, and to take this opportunity before something bad happened.
I was somewhat shocked at some things my mom told me - i never knew about all this. I never dared to ask about the past for fear of bringing up bad memories. Now, pieces of the puzzle slowly fit together. As my mom shared about the breakdown of her relationship with my dad, my heart sank. I could still sense the pain and sorrow that my mom went through then. Though she has forgiven, however, some things cannot be completely forgotten.
My mom shared this with us so that we would know the mistakes she made, and learn from them so that we would not make the same mistakes in the future. Sometimes i can't help but be afraid of getting married, because of my mom's bad experience. I don't know if i'm cut out for marriage, what more bringing up children of my own! Sometimes perhaps i want to choose the easy way out or run away from these fears by remaining single.
I shall just leave this to God, and entrust it to Him. If He provides, He provides. If not, then so be it :) I'm sure singleness is not all that bad. It has it's perks as well. heh.
Also came up with some sort of simple "death will, wishes and parting words" for my family to do in the case that i die suddenly. The unpredictability of life hit me hard since my dad's demise and i'd rather not assume i'll live long. it's never too early to prepare in advance i guess :P

Farewell Daddy

Dear friends,

Wish to say a heartfelt THANK YOU all for all your concern, support and prayers during this difficult time of my dad’s passing. I was quite amazed at the number of people who came for my dad’s wake. I apologise if I couldn’t spend much time with each of you, but it did make a difference (:

It’s been a tiring (in all senses of the word) past 4 days. It feels surreal, after all the “hype” since my dad died on Thursday, with the wake and all. Now that all the funeral rites are over, and the dust has settled and everything has quietened down, I feel a strange sense of relief, yet a muted emptiness in my heart, as if something (or rather someone) is missing. I think i’ve cried for my dad more in the past 4 days than in the last 24 years of my life. I realized only how much he meant to me, only after losing him. Sadly, this is commonly human. I come to realize how important family is, and even more important to treasure and show love to them while they are still around. Don’t wait till they are gone, because then there would be no chance or place for regret. My younger bro shared this on the day of my dad’s cremation: it’s no point holding back love cos of bitterness/ hatred, only to regret later on.

It’s one thing to attend a funeral, but it’s a whole different thing to see your own loved one behind that wooden box. What was once familiar, become foreign and strange. I will miss my dad dearly, for many things which I cannot describe in detail here. In the rare moments of quietness, a lot of questions came to my mind: What if…? Why didn’t I? etc. etc. etc. Regret and sadness of not doing certain things, questions of whether he might have lived longer if we had done or not done certain things, etc. But I try to remind myself that all these things don’t really matter anymore. What is past is past. No point dwelling on what has been done. But only to learn from the past, and to make changes for the better in the present and future.

From the ground we came (God made us using mud), and to the ground (we return back to ashes and bone) we go. Life is unpredictable and temporal. You or your loved ones may go at any time. Don’t wait to love, or you’ll live to regret. Live for the eternal, and I hope that each one of you would come to know the hope in Jesus Christ for this life, as well as the life after. Don’t push aside important questions till it’s too late. Search for the answers, be open, and I trust God will lead you to them (or Him). Death would be so much more peaceful , joyous and rested – If you know that hope after death. There was another Christian cremation that was done just beside my dad’s one. You could see the evident joy and peace in their faces and the songs of hope they were singing. How I wish that it was so for my dad. Nevertheless, I surrender him to God’s loving and sovereign hands and still cling on to that hope that somehow down his life, he found God (or rather God found him).
I know that there is a time for mourning and grieving, but I know that there is a place to let go and move on as well. This is the journey I am setting out to take, together with my family. I know it will take time, and I honestly don’t think it will end completely till I meet my Heavenly Father in Heaven, and hopefully, see my earthly father, there too.

Please continue to pray for my family – that God would continue to heal and restore. Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything.

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
What ever my lot you have taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Though the devil will ruin, though trials may come
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And He shed His own blood for my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul

It is well, with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

And Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight
And the clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend
Even so, it is well with my soul

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

In Christ’s love,
Pamela


- Daddy & Us in happier times (Dec 08)

Tribute to my earthly father

Dear all,

My dad passed away on Thursday ard 4pm at Mount Alvernia Hospital, after battling with liver cancer for 10 years.

Although my dad did not receive Christ before he passed on, I have peace to know that God is sovereign and my dad is in His hands. Pray for God's mercy on his soul. Pray especially for my stepmom (my dad's 2nd wife after my parents' divorce), as she has been the sole-caretaker of my dad the past 18 years or so and has been through a lot with him. Pray for God's peace, strength, joy and hope - that she will have the courage to let go and move on - as it's been hard on her. The same goes for my mom, elder sis, younger bro, stepsister and myself. Pray for me to bring God's comfort and hope to my dad's relatives during the wake and to be a light in the darkness.

I'm rather shocked and sad (amongst a myrid of emotions) at my dad's sudden demise (i knew that he didnt have long left, but i didn't know it would happen so fast) but i'm thankful that i managed to see him before his last breath. It was truly God's grace that i was able to do so, and i believe God kept my father alive till i rushed down to the hospital... I thank God for His grace in my dad's life - that He preserved his life for the past 10 years since he was diagnosed with liver cancer. It is a miracle that he survived till now. I only pray that he is in a better place with no more pain or suffering.

He gives and takes away,
My heart shall choose to say...
Lord Blessed be Your Name!

Romans 8:28-39
28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


May my dad's testimony and these verses encourage you when you face your share of trials in life...
Don't worry about me. God is the strength and comfort of my heart. His grace is sufficient for me :)

For those who wish to come for the funeral wake, it is at: 323 Yio Chu Kang Road (turn into Dedap Rd and turn right into the street parallel to yio chu kand rd. Buses: 70, 86, 163, 854) It will start from Friday and last until Sunday evening. The cremation will be on Monday. I will be around most of the time except Sunday morning as i might go to church.

In Christ's love,
Pamela
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unspoken Words

Though i didn't see you much of my life
But i know that you were there all the while
We all make mistakes and I've forgiven you
And i'm sorry if i have hurt you too
Somehow i wished i had spent more time with you in your final days
I guess there'll always be regret
I've never had the guts to say this:
i love you
from the bottom of my heart
I hope you saw it through my actions
I will miss you, daddy
Hope you are in a better place now

nostalgia

i was just reading through my blog posts since 2004...
brings back bittersweet memories of the past.
i wonder how many readers are still reading this after all these years... i realised the posts are getting less & less frequent as the years go by, no more of that initial enthusiasm =P
can't believe 5 years have just passed like this. so much has happened since.
seems so strange when i look back at my life. seems like it's gone... what am i talking about? it IS gone. it's nice to reminiscise, but shan't indulge in it too often, not too healthy. need to think of the present and future.
i can't buy back time. Every day is a gift from God. You can relive it, so treasure it and make the most of it!

on death

Last day of my 7-day quarantine... Feels like i've been away from work for the longest time. Think it's cos i haven't stopped working since April last year. It's the longest break I have had since then. Been a good and refreshing break away from work. Feeling a large inertia to go back to face the challenges there.

Dad's condition not looking too good. Doc informed last week that the cancer has spread to his lungs which is causing him to cough. Several docs he has consulted in the last few weeks said that his body is simply too weak for any medication, hence they can't do anything til he is stronger. But it seems that he is getting weaker by the day... nevertheless, thankful that he is still well enough to stay at home. Docs have given him a median life span of 4 months.

I think i still can't fully comprehend that information. it seems so strange. i feel so numb sometimes it scares me. perhaps i've accepted that my dad doesn't have much time left and it's only a matter of time before he leaves this place. my only desire is for hiim to be at peace with God before he passes on...

The preacher spoke on the faith of the Roman Centurion last Sunday. The msg struck me deeply and i went up to ask the preacher to pray for my dad. i have never cried for my dad before, ever. this was the first. i couldn't explain why. but the tears just flowed. the sadness and desperation of my dad not knowing God's love for him was overwhelming.

Is it possible for anyone not to fear death? or what comes after that? my dad hides it well, it seems. I believe with all my heart that God can do a miracle and heal him (like he did before) if it is His will. But it will be an even greater miracle if my dad accepts Jesus into his life. which would be better? i'd indefinitely choose the later. I saw a t-shirt that said: Life is good, eternal life is better. how true. if only he could know and taste the goodness and sweetness of God. Life has made him a bitter man angry with God. I've asked myself the question recently: If God does not save him, can i still praise and thank God? will i still be able to say he gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. In my heart and mind i will to do so, but i don't wish to pre-empt myself, for even Peter said that he would die for Christ, yet he denied Jesus 3 times. Does my love for God supercede my own human understanding? who am i to question God? the one who gave me life? the one who created the universe? i can but only trust Him that He is sovereign.

Post-Thailand Reflections

Sa-wa-dee-kar! Back from my Thailand mission trip.
Have so much to share but can sum it up in 2 simple words: Amazed and Thankful =)
God humbled me and convicted me of my complacency and aloofness from Him all this while… my heart had been getting colder without me realizing it. God brought me back to the simple things – His love and His greatness – through His Word, prayer, worship and fellowship. He reminded me of His great love for me and bid me to return to my first love for Him. To learn just to enjoy His presence and to see Him in everything that I do.
I saw poverty first hand as we went about visiting the poorest families in the Hmong villages. It was amazing how God showed His love for them and how much it pained Him to see them suffering. He poured out His love to them through a simple hug or touch. Though it was the first time seeing them and vice versa, God revealed their pain to us through His Holy Spirit and when we prayed for them, both they and us broke down and cried.
Reconciliation between mother and daughter (who had a child with her boyfriend at 14 years old), Healing of a partially deaf man, Deliverance from evil spirits and bondages, were just a few of the amazing works God did. I personally experienced a “word of knowledge” from God (i.e. God told me smth about someone I did not know before) – something I cannot explain or comprehend. However, it was not all easy – we were also rejected and despised by some households. Some places were hard ground. Nevertheless, God always showed Himself good and faithful.
We also had 2 days of village children’s outreach where we organized and played games with about 180 children. 130 children gave their lives to Christ on the 2nd day. I was stupefied. We had only came up with a simple skit, 3-minute testimony and 2-minute “message” 10 minutes beforehand, and God used that to show His great power and love for the children. By time I went up to the altar to pray for the kids that had come up, a few of them were already crying because God’s presence was felt so real there. I did nothing but hug them and pray. Though they could not understand what I was saying and vice versa, I learnt that God’s work transcends language and culture boundaries. I am not one who likes children nor am good with handling children, but God’s love transcends personalities and preferences. I am not an affectionate or “touchy” person (I find it weird to hug even my own mom), but I think I’ve hugged more people in this trip than my entire life. I realized that sometimes what people need is a hug. Might not be much to me, but means a whole lot to some. Sad to say, many of these children have lacked that love in their lives. I learnt to see Jesus in the little children. Reminded me that perhaps I have become too “old” for my good and need to become like a child again. To run into the arms of Father God…
I learnt a lot from this 10-day trip. 3 main things: In everything, 1) Wait upon the Lord; 2) Rejoice in the Lord; 3) Rest in the Lord. The challenge is to constantly remember and to put into practice what He has taught me, and to stay close to Him every day, in the routine-ness and busy-ness of life. He taught me to love the unlovable. Reminded me that no one is too bad for His love. Smth which I must constantly remind myself in my job. Am inspired and challenged once again to love the unloveable, those despised and shunned by society – the “bad people”, the poor, the needy. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.
Thank You Jesus for loving me =)
You can view pics of my trip on my facebook account or my webshots album.

Thailand mission trip: 14-23 June

Dearest friends,

I'll be away in Thailand from 14-23 June for a mission trip with RADION International, and would like to share a bit more with you if you...
The team comprises of 13 people from different backgrounds, churches, and walks of life, but brought together by the grace and spirit of God :)
We would be visiting and reaching out to Hmong refugees in the the northern part of Thailand, through home visitations, prayer, bringing the orphaned/ street children out, giving away food and other essentials to the villages, etc. For a matter of fact, i'm still not exactly sure what we're gonna do there! Just going with an open mind and making myself available to God for Him to work!

To find out more about the Hmong people, see http://doctorswithoutborders.org/news/allcontent.cfm?id=146&ref=tag-sidebarIf you are interested in finding out more about RADION and how you can support their ministry, pls see http://newlifeoutreach.blogspot.com/

Seek your prayers in the following areas:
- For the safety and health of the team (the team leaders have warned us that the places we are going to are very sensitive areas and we are going during a rather tense period)
- For love & unity amongst the team, and that God would prepare our hearts and to rise up in faith to step out of our comfort zones and to believe Him for the impossible. Pray also that God would deepen our relationship and faith in Him through this trip and return refreshed and inspired :)
- For my dad's physical and spiritual health, as doctors have given him only a few months to live as his liver cancer has spread to other parts of his body... Don't wish for anything to happen to him while I am away...
- For the Hmong people: that God would open their hearts and minds to Him, and they would experience God's love, peace, hope & joy despite their numerous hardship & sufferings

Thanks for your prayers & support, really appreciate them very much. Look forward to sharing what God has done when I return (God willing!)

God bless and keep you,
Pamela :)

Was spending time with God one evening, and came up with this:

Everyday, I see
Broken lives all around me.
So much pain, sorrow, guilt, hatred...
So many things -
I do not understand.
It's so easy to throw the first stone.

Let me be a shining light
In these dark places
Your hope of glory in me
Let them see Jesus
in my broken body

If only I could tell them
How much you love them
How you suffered and died for their sins
If only I could show them
of Your greatness and mercy
of how You can redeem them
from their lives of misery
If only they could see...
that this is not the end.
If only they knew
what they are missing
The life they could have
In You, Lord Jesus

My workplace is quite a broken place, broken lives. Sometimes comes to the point i get numb to it, and i can feel my heart growing cold and hard - but i pray not so.

Dad's not in too good shape. Went for a CT scan today and docs gave him 6-12 months to live... the chemo treatment burst the cancer cells in his liver which ended up in other parts such as his stomach and intestines. Docs say they have some sort of oral chemo pill which they can give him for a year to prolong his life (they did not say by how long) but it costs $6K a month...

Back from Redang to Reality...

Just got back from a short family holiday - 2 day cruise on the Star Cruise Virgo to Redang island. It's beeen some time since my entire family (mom, sis, bro & myself) went on a holiday together - i think last time was more than 5 years ago? My family's not one that talks much with one another, and this trip kinda 'forced' us to talk. Felt a bit strange initially, but we had some good conversations - about faith, life, relationships, psychology, fishes, anything and everything under the sun. Doing simple things together like eating, playing chess, swimming, etc.
Of course, there were the frequent (i must say) irritations and squabbles, especially when we're so close one another, and my mom made it a rule that we can't go our separate ways on the boat, and had to stay together (i.e. wait for one another to use the bathroom, decide where & what to eat, which involved much patience and give & take).
The trip felt really short, but was a refreshing break from work (i haven't taken any leave since i started trg 1 year ago) as well as good quality time with my family.
Can view some of the pics here.

Came back to find that my dad has been discharged from hospital. 1 week ago he was admitted to NUH ICU for internal bleeding in his liver. Doctors found his blood platelets and haemoglobin level to be critically low... which triggered his internal bleeding. They had to do 3 blood transfusions for him to have enough blood to stay alive. He was warded in ICU for 1 week to stabilise and for observation. The doctors hestitantly decided to discharge him from hospital (partly cos my dad wanted to go home as only my stepmom can visit him for a fixed period of time every day, and he had to lie down in bed all day with all the tubes sticking in and out of him). Thank God that his blood count has improved in the past few days, though it's still much lower than a normal person.
Visited him when I came back today, and he looked much skinnier, and his stomach very swollen (similar to those malnourished african kids or a pregant lady...) His internal organs are swelling due to the stress caused by the cancer cells and chemo treatment. He has also developed jaundice due to his hardened liver. He can't really eat or drink much, and he has to eat in very small quantities. He has to move very slowly and needs help getting ard, as any movement causes much pain in his organs. In his own words, his life is "hanging on a thin line" and any moment his organs might bleed internally again, or his liver might fail him.
My stepmom and uncle told me that anything can happen at any time, so be prepared. Don't exactly know how i should feel... worried? anxious? what's the point? it's not gonna do anything to change the situation.
My uncle (dad's brother) recently shared with me how he had prayed and made a "bargain" with God 10 years ago to heal my dad when he was in ICU due to liver cirrosis. But that he felt that this time it was more serious, and not sure if God would heal him again. Why did God heal him then? To give him more time to come back to Himself? My dad's heart has not changed much, his heart is still very much hardened to God and the gospel. I really don't know what to do humanly, but pray for the Holy Spirit to do a miracle in my dad's heart and life.
If you're reading this, would appreciate if you could join me in prayer too... thanks much :)

Aside from that, i've finally decided to go on the Thailand mission trip with RADION International from 14-23 June. Will be reaching out to refugees and destitute people in the rural villages in Phetchabun. The flu bug may be ard, but the travel bug is more potent for me! heh. Quite looking forward to it - have heard many exciting stories, and am expecting God to do great things!

I've also just been posted to a new "housing unit" in Changi Women's Prison, where i'm handling a more "special" category of inmates. Can't really say much here, but can tell u a bit more details if you ask :) Tough stuff, but never a dull day as I would tell everyone. Pray for God's wisdom, protection and most importantly, to see them through his eyes. It's easy to get disillusioned and to try to protect myself out of fear of being manipulated, but need to have God's perspective.

been some time

Dear friends,
It's been sometime since I last blogged. Seemed to have lost the 'fire' / motivation... What has God been teaching me??? Perseverance perhaps, amongst many other things.
Was attached at a different unit in the past 1 month, where we do the admissions and releases for the prisoners. Learnt a lot of new things about prison and inmates.
Will be going back to my old unit for 1 month, before i'm transferred again to another new unit. A lot of staff movement/ rotation in the coming month, so i gotta go to fill up a place. The news came quite unexpected and suddenly, as the plan was for me to go back to where i was for the next 1 year or so. Also, the new unit which i'm going is rather different and more challenging than where i am right now. But trust where God brings me, He will provide.
Someone asked me if i was married to my job, cos of my busy work schedules. For now, the answer seems to be yes. But i'm trying to pace myself, and have a balance between prison life and outside life. Feel very much that i need to constantly prove myself to others at work, and being compared to others. Rather tiring to live up to other's expectations all the time. Learning to just be myself and not compare myself to others. My self-confidence level hasn't been too good recently.
My long awaited holiday is coming soon. Going to KL for a short mission trip over the May Day weekend, and to a cruise to Redang with my family after that.
Also planning to go to Thailand in June or Japan in July for a mission trip.
Hope things work out, God willing.
Think what i really need is to hear God speak again.

5 loaves and 2 fishes

Matthew 14:13-21
13When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. 14When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
15As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."

16Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat."

17"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered.

18"Bring them here to me," he said. 19And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 21The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.


Love this song by Corrine May.
Sometimes i feel like i'm this little boy with so little - what can i do?
But in God's hands, our seemingly small contribution can make a great difference - only if we surrender what we have to Him.
Praise the Lord! =)

update on dad and work

Dad went for his first chemobilisation treatment last Wednesday. He was in hospital for about 5 days for post-treatment observation. He was discharged from hospital on Monday, and he’s doing pretty ok, other that the fact that he is feeling very weak and tired due to the effects of the treatment and cancer. He can’t really eat, walk or talk very much =/

Work’s been very busy – worked almost 70 hours last week – that equals about 14 hours every day if it is a 5-day work week. Even when I’m home sometimes I still do work till late at night. Think I’m turning into a workaholic…

I feel a lot that people don’t think very well of me at work, and there has been some not so very nice talk of me. Feel rather disheartened and disappointed. Feel that at times everything I do seems to be wrong to people. Sometimes even feel ‘laughed at’. Maybe I’m just being over-sensitive, but it’s kinda getting to me… Trying to stay close to God which has honestly been a struggle of late with many many distractions and things on my mind. Need your prayers in this aspect. Need to re-focus back on Him… Thanks.

I’m coming to the end of my 3 months on-the-job training and this Friday is my graduation ceremony, where I’ll become a full-fledged prison officer from then onwards. No more labelled as a trainee, and much more will be expected from us. To my utter surprise, I emerged as best trainee amongst my squadmates. I didn’t expect myself to get it, and I really don’t think I deserve it, but God often gives me many things which I don’t deserve. Perhaps it’s his way of encouraging me, which I’m grateful and thankful for.

dad

Guess most of you who are reading this would have received my email about my dad, so won't go in detail here...

it's strange how i'm feeling rather emotionless about all that has happened the last 1 week. i was feeling a mixture of fear and worry last sunday when i rushed my dad to A&E. Throughout this week, at times when i think about my dad, a mixture of sadness and fear grips me. I'm trying to stay strong and not get too emotional, which is not too difficult, considering i don't express much of my emotions. People might mistake me for being cold and heartless.

i'm thankful that for the past 5 years or so, i started to spend more time and get closer to my dad - even if it were 10 minute phonecalls from UK every week, i believe it meant much to him. i'm not very close to my dad and find it hard to express my love and care for him, but when i saw him suffering in hospital, i held his hand perhaps for the first time since i was 5 years old. Strange.

I'm not afraid to lose my dad. i know it's only a matter of time. My greatest fear is that he will go with bitterness and hatred in his heart towards God - smth which he has held in his heart all his life, because of all that he has been through. i never fail to get into quarrels with my dad about christianity, and i've kinda given up trying to speak to him about it, for wishing to avoid conflict. it seems impossible for him to accept God, i kinda see his reasons and where He is coming from. he blames God for everything bad in this world. it's hard to convince him. I believe now that only God can change his heart. only God.

it's interesting how i found out more things about what happened between my mom and dad last time, when my mom visited my dad in hospital today. And i started to piece up the puzzle of possible reasons for my parent's divorce. it's too late now, but at least i understand better, and hopefully avoid the same mistake in my own life.

i've been rather tired thinking about many things lately.
Need my soul to BE STILL and find REST in God.

Blessed CNY =)

Hello friends,
Blessed CNY to all! =) Seems like there's been so many festivities in the last 1 month - Christmas, then New Year, and now CNY...
It's been quite a nice break from work this CNY - not working for 3 days in a row (as compared to the usual 1-day break every week) Also good time spending time with family and catching up with cousins and FOOD. haha. Didn't do the usual visiting this year - just had 2 reunion dinners, one with my mom's side and one with my dad's side. Also paid a visit to the Flower Festival at Sentosa. Can view of of the pics i took under "My Photos".
Also, i went on a 31km east park connector bicycle route (bedok-tampines-pasir ris-changi-bedok) with one of my colleagues whom i'm taking part with in the upcoming OCBC 40km Bicycle Challenge this Feb. My buttocks and thighs were aching like mad after today's bicycle workout... first time cycling so far and so long. I've always wanted to go on some sort of marathon so guess this is my first shot =)
Work's been rather tiring and busy - feel that i've been bringing back a lot of burdens from work, which is not very good. Need to know how to stop thinking about work-related stuff once i step out of the prison.
There's now a possibility that i can go on the mission trip to egypt this march - still praying about it... cost quite a bit, also in the midst of a very busy period at work. Think i need to learn to slow down and be still...

Ramblings of 2 weeks into 2009...

It's been a rather eventful 2 weeks of 2009 thus far.
The past 1 month in prison has been a very steep learning curve for me - doing many new things, making many mistakes, etc. Of course it's been enjoyable and exciting as well. Work is getting busier (yes we do more than locking and unlocking doors and mere supervision...) Sadly I won't be able to go to England to see friends or to Egypt in March as i was planning to, as i have been tasked to organise some work events in March/ April.
Recently, I realise that at times i can get rather suspicious and judgemental of the prisoners, especially the more 'problematic' ones. I was reminded today of the story of Jericho and Rahab in the book of Joshua in the Bible. Jericho was a very strategic city situated on the highlands at the border of Israel. It was known as the "Promised Land" to the Israelite people who were driven out of slavery in Eygpt. It was known as a land "flowing with milk and honey". However, the people living in the land were strong and big, and the Israelites felt intimidated by them. Despite this, God delivered them from their enemies and gave them the land. I felt God was saying that Jericho symbolises the Prison. It seems unconquerable, yet the battle belongs to the LORD. Rahab was a prostitute who was living in Jericho at that time, and she had heard about the Israelites and their God, and how He had delivered them from the clutches of the Egyptians. She helped them, and her and her whole family was saved as a result (Eventually she became one of the ancestors of Jesus, which is an amazing thing bcos she was a non-Jew, and at that time only the Jews were considered God's chosen people.) I felt God saying that Rahab represented the prisoners - despised and shunned by society, but God does not forget them, and out of His grace and mercy, He chooses them to be part of His kingdom.
I still hope to take a break somewhere sometime soon though.
Having various ideas in mind: Climbling Mt Kinabalu, Skiing in New Zealand, Trekking/ Mission trip in India. I think the list might get longer if i don't go somewhere soon! heh.
I found this picture on the web, and remembered someone who once mentioned that quote to me. I do love the sea and i do love sailing boats. I picked up sailing sometime ago, but i can't sail on my own cos i'm not officially qualified =/ If not i'll be on the seas...

Goodbye 2008... Hello 2009!

Hi friends,

i apologise to some of you for passwording my blog the last one week for some unforeseen reasons, but i've decided to be back in business!

2008 has been one of many new experiences and changes – from doing my work attachment at the prison headquarters from Jan to May, then on to my basic officer’s residential course at the Home Team Academy from June to Nov, and most recently, my on-the-job training at change women’s prison which started in Dec.
I’ve been learning and growing a lot through my job this year, from being a staff officer at the prison headquarters where I helped in planning programmes for the inmates, to being a trainee at prison training school where I had a taste of a regimental army life (somewhat), and finally to being a housing unit officer at the women’s prison where I’m learning how to manage and take care of the female inmates.
I’ve grown up in a rather ‘sheltered’ environment and it’s hard for me to understand and relate to the inmates I meet from day to day. I can be rather naive and be manipulated by some of them who take advantage of ‘nicer’ and less experienced officers. I need to wear different hats by being a disciplinarian, mentor and teacher to them. I find it tough to balance between ensuring security and discipline (which requires me to be stern/ fierce and scold where necessary) and at the same time to show care and love for them. A lot of times I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I must say that this road which God has led me to travel on is not a smooth one, but one that is full of challenges and surprises at each turn. Nevertheless, it has taught me how to be grateful for the simple things in life such as freedom, family and friends.
Although at times I complain, I’m thankful for this wonderful and unique job God’s provided for me and I believe that if God brought me to it, He will bring me through it :)

I also thank God for the opportunities to travel to Mongolia in March this year, where I went on a medical mission trip with some ex-Campus Crusaders. I love to travel to new places, and it was en eye-opening experience for me to learn more about the Mongolians and see God’s work amongst His people there. I also went for a weekend getaway cum mission trip with some of the youths at church to Batam. I believe that God’s will for me is to reach out to the less fortunate / marginalised in society, and to serve Him especially in the area of evangelism and missions.
I am currently helping out in the young people ministry in the capacity of the outreach IC, where I organised some street witnessing, mission trips and community service projects for the youths in church. To be honest, it’s been quite challenging working with the young people (I feel old already!), and at times I get discouraged, but I believe that God has called me to serve there for this season in time. Pray that God will teach me to love them, and to inspire and lead them to reach out to people in need.

It’s been a year and 5 months since I returned from my studies in the UK. I can say I’m much more settled this year as compared to last year when I just got back. I’m thankful for the people in my cell group who took me in and made me feel at home. Also, grateful for my Nottingham university friends in Singapore who keep in touch and meet up regularly to catch up and encourage one another. To all my readers, thank you for being a part of my life in some way or another =)

The year ahead looks exciting and challenging, with me completing my on-the-job training in end-Feb 09 and officially graduating from training school as a fully trained and commissioned prison officer! I believe the workload will start to pile up high on me, and I might not see you all so often due to my erratic work shifts and other “CCAs”. I believe it’s a season for me to be a marketplace minister for Him. Please pray for God’s wisdom, grace and protection for me in prison. May I shine His light in a very dark place, bringing hope to the lost people in prison.
God has given me two words for 2009 - Faith & Restoration - To trust Him more to do greater things with His help, and that He will restore to me what has been taken away...

I’m looking forward to a good break probably sometime in April this year, where I might go back to England to visit some friends, and hopefully also go for a mission trip to Eygpt. Travelling for holiday is fun, but going on a mission trip is even better! ;)

I believe that God is doing a good work in your life as He is for me, and that He works all things for good for those who love Him and called according to His purposes! Let’s continue to pray for and encourage one another in this journey of faith and sanctification. May your year ahead be filled with God's love, peace, hope and joy for you and your loved ones...

All Glory to God in the Highest!