on denying oneself

Deny ourselves. We must deny that we have any ability on our own to fill the hunger in our souls. Only Jesus can fill every nook and cranny. We must also deny the temporary pleasure of trying to fill ourselves. Otherwise, we can experience tremendous amounts of pain. Leave the filling and healing to Christ. Take up our cross. To understand this, we must understand what Jesus did when He took up His cross. He died. But then He rose again, as a new being. To take up your cross means to crucify your old self with its habits, thought patterns, and addictions. For many of us, this will be a daily process as the old self tries to rear its ugly head. As new creations of the Living Savior, we must claim our new identities daily. Follow Him. To really follow Christ, you must not only know the Father's will, you must also follow it. That is when you will notice you are right in step with His Son...dancing to the same tune. That is when the Holy Spirit's fruit of self-control whispers in your ear this sweet reply: "Here I am, I have come - it is written about me in the scroll." And you look at the face of your eternal Beloved and say, "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart" (Psalm 40:7-8, NIV).

One day while I was washing dishes in the kitchen sink, I turned the water on and sprayed it over the dirty plates, utensils, and cups. One cup that was filled with red juice caught my eye. As I poured more and more water into it, slowly but surely the red juice dissipated and finally was gone altogether. Sometimes this is how our addictions will be cured by Jesus. The more His Living Water pours into us, the less room there will be for the junk of this world. It's an exchange. Instead of food, alcohol, or drugs, Jesus becomes our fulfillment.

-taken from a daily devotional from Crosswalk

it is finished...

Yep. Exams over and marks the end of my first year here in UK as well... wow, time really flies. 9 months have passed since i've come. Autumn, winter, spring and now, summer. And soon. home :)
Surprisingly i'm not feeling a sense of euphoria after my last paper today, in fact, feeling a sense of sadness. don't know why either. maybe i'm starting to miss home more as the day of me leaving here draws near... Anyway, for those who have upheld me in prayer during this exam period, thanks so much. God has been good and faithful, as He always is.
I shall learn to count my blessings:
I thank God for....
1) seeing me through this year, all the periods of ups and downs, through my exams and everything that He has brought my way
2) friends here whom i have met and have known better through the years. For the wonderful friendships built and to be built upon in the coming years
3) family and friends back home and elsewhere. i miss you all!

i shall be away for the next 3 days at a christian retreat. My heart doesn't feel ready, it's been a long time since i went for a camp (last one was abc i think..) Pls pray for all of us, that God will move in our midst and do a new work in all of us. For His Spirit to pour out upon us once more.

Have a blessed weekend ahead my friends.
In His love, pam :)

almost there...

Had my only essay-based exam (for this semester) today. The questions which i spotted and prepared for came out exactly as i expected, yet, i don't really know why, but i had a mental block and couldn't remember what i had prepared. I barely recalled half of the points i had prepared, and crapped the rest of the paper. To a certain extent, i do like expressing my thoughts in writing but not in an exam. So far all my papers have been pretty alright. But today i walked out of the exam hall feeling rather defeated and dissapointed, like a wounded animal limping from battle =/ i don't think i was over-confident, though i was a bit nervous. On retrospect, think God want me to learn to depend on Him rather than my own wisdom and abilities, as well as to submit my will entirely to Him. Not to place my hopes, self-worth on my grades or what i achieve but on Him.
But i thank God that He saw me through the paper, and i managed to churn out a reasonably long essay. it could have gone much worse i admit. Don't know how i will fare but His grace is sufficient for me. Father, whatever the result, help me to give thanks and that it might achieve Your purposes.
1 more paper to go!! I smell freedom... :)

on death

Few ple actually think abt it, or rather, choose not to think abt it. For some, it may seem too distant, for others, it seems all too near. But it must come to all, sooner or later.
I never really thought much about it. But the recent deaths of a few people whom I know or my friends’ have known have got me thinking and realizing how short and unpredictable life is. To those who have lost loved ones, God understands fully your pain, He lost His one and only son for us, but praise be to God, Jesus is alive now in heaven sitting at the right hand of God our Father! When Lazarus died, Jesus wept. I don’t think He tells us not to weep or be sad when our loved ones die, but to have hope, that they are or will be in a better place. That we can look forward to that day as well. When we meet in heaven. That Jesus is the reason for living this temporary life in earth. That in our loss, He comforts, and in turn, we will comfort others as well. May this be an encouragement to all of us. I’m sure it will apply sometime in our lives…

Death is a passage to new life. That sounds very beautiful, but few of us desire to make this passage. It might be helpful to realize that our final passage is preceded by many earlier passages. When we are born we make a passage from life in the womb to life in the family. When we go to school we make a passage from life in the family to life in the larger community. When we get married we make a passage from life with many options to life committed to one person. When we retire we make a passage from a life of clearly defined work to a life asking for new creativity and wisdom. Each of these passages is a death leading to a new life. When we live these passages well, we are becoming more prepared for our final passage.

Traveling – seeing new sights, hearing new music, and meeting new people – is… exhilarating. But when we have no home to return to where someone will ask us, “How was your trip?” we might be less eager to go. Traveling is joyful when we travel with the eyes of those who love us, who want to see our slides and hear our stories. This is what life is about. It is being sent on a trip by a loving God, who is waiting at home for our return and is eager to watch the slides we took and hear about the friends we made. When we travel with the eyes and ears of the God who sent us, we will see wonderful sights, hear wonderful sounds, meet wonderful people… and be happy to return home.

The autumn leaves can dazzle us with their magnificent colours: deep red, purple, yellow, gold, bronze, in countless variations and combinations. Then, shortly after having shown their unspeakable beauty, they fall to the ground and die. The barren trees remind us that winter is near. Likewise, the autumn of life has the potential to be very colourful: wisdom, humour, care, patience, and joy many bloom splendidly just before we die. As we look at the barren trees and remember those who have died, let us be grateful for the beauty we saw in them and wait hopefully for a new spring. Dying is a gradual diminishing and final vanishing over the horizon of life. When we watch a sailboat leaving port and moving toward the horizon, it becomes smaller and smaller until we can no longer see it. But we must trust that someone us standing on a faraway shore seeing that same sailboat become larger and larger until it reaches its new harbor. Death is a painful loss. When we return to our homes after a burial, our hearts are in grief. But when we think about the One standing at the other shore eagerly waiting to welcome our beloved friend into a new home, a smile can break through our tears.

-taken from “In my own words” by Henri Nouwen

Beautiful ain’t it?
Joy in the midst of grief
Hope in the midst of despair

thoughts on a song...

This song never really caught my attention until i carefully listened to its lyrics and realised the meaning of it... (scroll to bottom after reading song lyrics)

What If - Jadon Lavik

What if I climbed that mountain, what if I swam to that shore
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more
Would you love me more

What if I were everyone’s first choice, what if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest than would you love me more
Would you love me more

You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I’m in awe of why you do
Why you do, why you do, I’m in awe of you

What if I ignored the hand that fed me, what if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less
Lord would you love me less

What if I were everyones last choice what if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before then would you love me less
Lord would you would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no

What have I done to deserve your son sent to die for me
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
In a world that keeps changin’ there’s one thing that I know is true
Your love is stayin’ there’s nothing else I’ll hold onto

The way you love me, the way you do
The way you love you love you love

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This song talks about God's unconditional love. That He loves us for who WE ARE and not WHAT WE DO. He can't love us any more or less than He already does. Even when we are faithless, His love for us doesn't change and He remains forever faithful to His promises.

That when everything's stripped away... my achievements, abilities, positive traits whatsoever... and all i see in me is my sinfulness, brokeness, failings and weaknesses... I just wish to be loved, to be embraced, for who i am inside. I've not done anything to deserve His love, but He just does. Amazing huh? that's Father's love for us :)

5 down....2 to go!

Another temporary break for me, before i prepare for my next 2 papers.
Really thank God my papers are rather spread out (2 a week) so i have enough time to prepare for them.
The papers the last 2 days were tougher than i expected, but it went pretty alright. Praise God for His peace and strength during this exam period. I don't really have any expectations or set any goals for myself, not now at least, just prepare what i can, go in, do it, and be thankful for whatever i get. Don't brood over what's done like how i used to (very much). Learnt to take things a little easier.
Well, went to watch a musical in town with friends today ("The King and I" - the one about a thai king and an english teacher. they had a movie starring chow yun fat sometime ago. ring a bell?) The lead actor was an english man with a chinese accent!! (according to my thai friend. heh.) Costumes and props were great, plot wasn't really there but songs and dancing were nice. On the whole was pretty good other than the fact i dozed off at a few parts. heh. Was rather sleepy.
Spent the evening eating (one of my HK hallmates cooked black bean chicken tonight. much better than hall food!!!) and playing games like 'dididi' (ypmers shd be familiar with this. heh.) rather hilarious. it's been some time since i laughed so hard. was a good time de-stressing.
And now. Back to serious work. Revision for next 2 papers. 5 more days and... it's over!

on God

Ultimate sianness from studying for tmr's exam. Lost my inspiration of late as well =/ But have an urge to blog. So here's sth taken from an inspiring book:

Our heart us at the centre of our being human. There our deepest thoughts, intuitions, emotions and decisions find their source. But it's also there that we are most alienated from ourselves. We know little or nothing of our heart. We keep our distance from it, as though we were afriad of it. What is most intimate is also what frightens us most. Where we are most ourselves, we are often strangers to ourselves. That is the painful part of our being human. We fail to know our hidden centre; and so we live and die often without knowing who we really are. If we ask ourselves why we think, feel and act in a certain way, we often have no answer, thus proving to be strangers in our own house.

The discipline of the heart helps us to let God into our hearts and become known to us there, in the deepest recesses of our own being. This is not so easy to do; we like to be near our master in our own house and don't want to admit that our house is God's house too. God wants to be together with us where we really live and, by loving us there, show us the way to become a complete human being. God's love is a demanding love, even a jealous love; and when we let that love speak within us, we are led into places where we often would rather not go. And yet we know that everyone who has allowed God's love to enter into his or her heart has not only become a better human being, but has also contributed significantly to making a better world. The lives of the saints show us that. And so i say, make room in your heart for God and let God cherish you. There you can be alone with God. There heart speaks to heart and there in that holy seclusion the new person will be born in you.
-Letters to Marc, Letter VI

In the busyness of our everyday lives, let us not forget our creator and maker.
For those in the midst of exams, draw strength from God and press on! :)

on exams (part2)

time seems like a standstill these few days, waiting for my next papers to come.
Mugger pam doesn't want to mug anymore. =/
i'm learning to let go here, not to strive so hard, work so hard just to achieve good grades. To prepare what i can, commit it to the Lord in prayer, do my best and leave the rest to Him.
And to keep myself open to His leading even in this time, to be ministered to, to minister, and to allow Him to graciously walk me through this period.
I'm not saying i don't study at all now, of course i still do, it's quite hard for a leopard to change it's spots really, but i'm learning not to cling on so tightly to it, to be so kan chiong but to give space and allow room for Him to work. Wonder if i'm being foolish at times, but i shall trust in Him :)
And to end off on a totally irrelevant note. Here's a quote about love by C.S. Lewis:

to love at all is to to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... the only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is hell.

Stacie Orrico - Don't Look At Me

Don't look at me
If you're looking for perfection
Don't look at me
I will only let you down
I'll do my best to point you
In the right direction
But don't look at me
No, no, no
Don't look at me
Look at Him

Sometimes I have a fear
That you will see a mirror
And get the thought
That it's the main attraction
But all that you detect
It's just what I reflect
Of the object of my own affection

I'll lead you to the One I've found
He'll give you everything you need

It's understandable
To want a hero
But people can't meet all your expectations
Still some can teach you things
About the love He brings
Just know the source of life is in the Savior

I'll lead you to the One I've found
He'll give you everything you need

He's the One who lived a perfect life
He's the One who always gets it right
He's the One and only guiding light

He's everything you want to be
He's the answer to your every need
If you follow Him then you will see

on Exams

Had my first exam today. German oral. Was pretty tough, but quite hilarious la making all those stupid mistakes, and it's one down...6 to go! And another 15 days before all are over, and a month more before i'm homeward bound :)
oh, for those who don't already know, FH is back in Singapore :)

change of season

Looking out of my window at 9pm and they sky is still relatively bright. That's summer for you. I like it when the daylight hours are long, makes the night seem shorter. A stark contrast to winter.
The flowers on the trees have fallen, and been replaced by green leaves now. A sign that spring has ended and summer has come... Although the temperature still sometimes feels like it's winter again! that's UK weather for you.
A change of seasons... brings to mind Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

A friend shared this story. This is my version on his story. Feel free to read on:
Once upon a time, there was a tree. He had the most beautiful leaves than any other tree on earth. And often boasted of his lush green leaves. But when autumn came, his leaves grew yellow, then brown, and he realised they started to fall off naturally. But he had grown comfortable with his cover of leaves and didnt want to let go. So, he held on tightly to his brown, dying leaves. Winter came, and all the other trees, but him, were bare. Soon. Spring, then summer came, and all the other tress, started to grow green leaves again... All, but him. He was still hanging on to his ugly brown leaves.
Because when it was time to let go, he didn't want to. So he deprived himself of something new, and better. A fresh start.

Seasons come and seasons go. But the love of the Lord remains forever.

on a philosopher's note...

We were perfectly created imperfect, such that God can love us perfectly with His perfect love :) These holes in our hearts with created such that only He can fill them.

in loving memory of a beloved sister-in-Christ...

She went home to be with the Lord today, after years of battling with leukemia.
A strong, beautiful, dearly loved girl.

I hardly knew her
yet through her love for others
and for Jesus
and through others love for her
i knew her
Her strength in the midst of pain
Her love in the midst of sorrow
Her hope in the midst of futility
because of Jesus' love for her
and the people whom He has blessed her with.

Now,
No more pain.
No more suffering.
No more sorrow.
At peace, in the arms of the Lord who died for her.
But
residing in the hearts of many
and of he who cared and loved her selflessly.

Made me realise that my lab report due tmr is not the most impt thing on earth.
Treasure the ones you love. Take time to cherish them.
while you can...

on Silence, or rather, the absense of it

There was a black out in the whole university campus last night. I was half reading my notes on brain anatomy and half trying to stay awake when everything went black, except my laptop that is (because it was running on battery) And before i knew it there were screams, people coming out of their rooms into the hall walkway, people calling, and going to each others rooms.
Guess people hate silence. As in really, silence, silence.

Reading a book by Henri Houwen, entitled "In my own words". He speaks very wise words, do read if you have the time. i've taken excerps from it:

On Silence
For many, silence is threatening. They don't know what to do with it. If they leave the noise of the city behind and come upon a place where no cars are roaring by, no ships tooting, no trains rumbling; where there is no hum of radio or tv, where no CDs or tapes are playing, they feel their entire bodies gripped by an intense unrest. They feel like a fish thrown on dry land.

But still more difficult than getting rid of those exterior noises is the achievement of inner silence, a silence of the heart. It seems that a person caught up in all that noise has lost touch with the inner self. The questions which are asked from within remain unanswered. Unsure feelings are not cleared up; tangled desires are not straightened out, and confusing emotions are not understood. It is hardly surprising, then, that when we shut off all the daily racket, a new inner noise can often be heard, rising from all those chaotic feelings screaming for attention. Entering into a quiet room does not automatically bring us silence. When there is no one to talk to or listen to, an interior discussion may start up - often noisier than the noise we just escaped. Many unresolved problems demand attention; on care forces itself upon the other; one complaint rivals the next; all pleading for hearing. Sometimes we are left powerless in the face of the many twisted sentiments we cannot untangle.
It makes you wonder if the diversion we look for in the many things outside us might be an attempt to avoid a confrontation with what is inside.

To bring some solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but difficult disciplines. Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time. As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, phone calls to make, (and nowadays, MSN*), an inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and confusing we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therfore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings, and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. It is thus not surprising that we have a difficult time being alone.

*my own addition

How true, i said to myself.
I was just reading this chapter last night using my torchlight.
Yes, i was alone in my room, but i wasn't in solitude.

He then goes on to talk about prayer, and spending time in solitude with God. But i shan't go on or this post will be way too long. Another story for another time i guess....

on Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. You will face your fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, i will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only i will remain.
-quote from a book

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

I shall not be afraid. come what may.
For i am trusting in HIM.