Thoughts @ Work

I just got news today that my training has (yet again) been postponed till mid-April/May. It seems that God wants to teach me patience and to learn to wait duirng this lull period. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging in mid-air, neither here nor there. I'm soon going into my 6th month of my new work life. Time passes quite fast indeed. I've learnt many things in the process, some the not-so-easy way, but i'm still learning nevertheless.

I find it hard to explain to people what I do now - it's hard to think of a prison officer doing admin work, but yeah, that's what i'm doing - for now. People look at me with unbelief when i tell them i work in prison, but when i say i'm doing admin stuff, it seems that's even more strange. At times, I feel kinda slighted to be doing such 'menial' tasks and I should be doing more 'important' things, but I believe that God is teaching me to be humble, to be faithful in the little things, before He lets me do bigger things. If I can't even do little things right, how can I handle bigger things in the future? Who am i even to decide if i'm going to do little or big things? I can glorify God in data entry, and i can glorify God in making policies. Whatever I do, I do it as unto the Lord and not unto men. Lately, my mentor at work is entrusting me with more responsibilities, which i'm thankful for :)

I'm still trying to fit into the whole rank hierarchy, where some of my fellow colleagues have to call me ma'am just because i'm of a higher rank than them (due to educational qualifications) even though they are older, have worked longer than i have and are more knowledgable and experienced. Makes me feel quite underserving of such a rank/ position. It puts such a big virtual barrier between those of 'lower' rank and those of 'higher' ranks. Can sense it very strongly. Something which I try to break down, but with little results. Still, for some reasons, there is still some sort of line that has to be drawn. I'm still learning how to marry/ reconcile these two. Or is it just a different thing at a different time?

I realized that people often don't question the 'big bosses' in their decisions, and that often we just do as we are told. I'm not saying we shouldn't obey/ submit to authority, i believe that leaders are put there for a reason, but even leaders are not infallible and may not be correct all the time.

My relationship with my work colleagues and my 'outside' friends are quite different. There seems to be a clear line drawn between work life and life outside work. I guess more so for those who are married. There's only so much we can talk about. Once again the invisible barriers are there. Or perhaps i'm being too sensitive and haven't been around long enough. It's very different from the friendships I had in Nottingham, which i miss very much. Most of my peers are still in university so it feels quite lonely at times in the working world. But I'm learning to adapt and embrace changes in life... I can't expect things to stay the same way as I grow older. Still got a long way to go...

One thing that i've learnt while working in prison is that often we try to solve spiritual problems using human methods. We try to use cognitive-behaviour therapy, secular psychological programmes to try 'rehabilitate' criminals, but it's like going around without tackling with the root of the problem, which is, SIN. I'm not saying that psychology doesn't help, it can, but it can only be a 'supplement', it cannot replace the truth. Only by understanding one's sinfulness and the seriousness & consequence of sin, and the redeeming work of Jesus and God's love, i believe, can a person truly be able to be changed by God... We can try all ways and means to strive to change, but without Jesus, all our efforts of bettering ourselves are like 'filty rags'.

Days of July

Could I believe for the first time
That the sun set down so slowly
Another evening gone
Without your humour and your sweet sweet beauty
As I unpack my flight bag
Pour its contents on the table
I still fumble with my shoelaces
And I wonder, and I wonder...

When were the days?
When I looked into your eyes
And you always asked me why
When were the days?
When we sat there by the beach,
And watched as the planes fly by

Fulfillment of the sunlit day
Been engulfed by an emptiness inside
No one else to turn to
But the Lord I shall confide

And then I remember of His amazing grace
And I remember those warm warm days
And I see that smile on your face
Makes me wonder...

When were the days?
When I looked into your eyes
And you always asked me why
When were the days?
When we sat there by the beach,
And watched as the planes fly by

Those were the days of July,
When we sat there by the beach and we watched as the planes
Fly by...

He wrote this song
3 years ago
But it seems like only yesterday.
Gone are the days of July,
A fleeting dream.
How I wish,
I could turn back time
And make things right,
But some things just can't be changed.
I know what I must do,
It's about time now.
I can only pray,
you'll find someone better
to love once more.
May God grant you blueskies aloft,
To soar on eagle's wings.
As for me, Lord
Help me not to look back anymore
Won't You hold my hand
And lead me on...

14th Feb 2008

Dear friends,

Happy Valentine's/Friendship Day.
Just wanna share some of my favourite bible verses/quote/song on love.
May you find true love.

In His Love,
Pam

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres
Love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
- John 15:12-13

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
- 1 John 4:9-11

The greatest lesson in life is to love, and to be loved in return.
- Moulin Rouge

Healer, heal me
Saviour, save me
Meker, make me
Lover, love me
I'm so tired of living for
This kind of love
That only lasts for a while
The pain, and the shame
Tears me up inside
So i fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And i cry out for You
Won't You please speak to me
I'm so tired of living for
This kind of love that comes and goes
But Your love, Your love lasts forever
So i fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And i run hard for You
To enter Your rest
- Healer by Ten Shekel Skirt

In His Time

One year
Since I last saw him
Apprehension, Elation, Saddness, Uncertainty
Seven months
And I find myself still standing at the door
Wondering if I should knock or walk away
Has the river really dried up?
Pls tell me Lord
If it's meant to be
Or grant me the courage
To walk away
Knowing that
You make all things beautiful in Your time

On Chinese/ Lunar New Year

It's my first CNY back home in 3 years... I remember how homesick I was spending my first CNY overseas in England. I missed the reunion dinners, meeting up with my cousins and of course, the holiday and CNY goodies! Guess we only miss the things when we don't have them. Strangely, I'll miss the overseas CNY celebrations even though we weren't given any holidays there - having 'reunion dinner' amongst friends in a very homely atmosphere... Miss cooking for others, the potluck (great food!), etc.

Well, i'm kinda looking forward to spending CNY here. Looks like it's gonna be quite packed. Having 2 reunion dinners and visiting on separate days with my dad and mom's side. Also, invited my church cell group and neighbours to come to our house too :)

I got word that my training has been postponed to March (not sure which part yet). Another month to wait... I feel I'm too comfortable where I am already, that I'm feeling apprehensive starting training, which is not very good. I'm trying to get fit, by running at least twice a week but I think it's the mental part which i will find tougher.

Thinking of going somewhere overseas before i start my training. I have a few places in mind - HK, China, Australia, NZ. Enjoy what I have left of my freedom cos I won't be able to take leave for at least 6 months once i start my training. Also miss the good ole travelling days while i was studying.
Anyone wants to go with me? :) If not, then perhaps i'll go on my own... hee.

A Blessed Chinese New Year to all out there!
May it be a meaningful time with family/ friends, wherever you are, treasure whoever's around you and the time you have :)
But let us not forget those who are not as fortunate as us, and may not have family or friends to celebrate them with. Perhaps can invite a stranger to your home to spread the love and joy :)